Some things you must know when driving on the Continent
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1. Your life expectancy is thirty-six minutes
2. Never look where you are going. The police keep a look out for
this sort of thing.
3. Never give way. If you want to turn left against the traffic, stop
and get out your travellers checks.
4. Make sure that you are in the wrong gear all the time.
5. Continental law forbids any driver under the influence of teetotalism
Strict measures are taken to ensure this. If the alcohol count in
your bloodstream is less than 87%, you may be liable for prosecution.
6. There are many hills and other prominences abroad. Make certain, when
going over the brow of a hill or around a corner, that you are on the
wrong side of the road and busy talking to the person beside you.
7. You will know if you are on the wrong side of the road when there is
oncoming traffic your side of the road.
8. Always steer the car with your little finger and don't use the wind-
screen. Since you'll be overtaking most of the time, drive constantly
looking into your rear view mirror.
9. All front seat passengers on the continent are obliged, under the law
to be mad.
10. Never stop suddenly for chickens, peasants, donkeys or because your
eight week old puppy has shot through the wind screen. You may cause
an accident.
11. Accelerate when approaching an going over narrow bridges. This will
give you a better chance of getting there before a large truck of
inflammable liquid.
12. In dense fog, continental law obliges you to see how fast you can go.
13. Remember 1 km. = 25 mph.
14. Traffic signs don't exist. Rely on the body gestures of oncoming
drivers. If you see a bus driver hitting his chest you know he is
having a heart attack and is going to veer of the road and down a
deep gully. If you see a driver looking down at his lap you know he
is making himself a sandwich is likely to smash into you with no
warning.
15. Using your horn all the time is the key to driving on the continent.
If in doubt, honk that horn!
