Rough Guide to Belize
Belize
Belize (formerly British Honduras) is a haven of the typically British
in Central America. Only 68 miles wide and 174 miles at it's longest,
this empty land presents a breathtaking panorama of dramatic mountains
and friendly swamps.
Population
149,000 people, 50% are of mixed ancestry, most obvious in their hybrid
dress of bowler hat, pinstripe jacket and umbrella, worn with native
jungle shorts and bare feet. 25% are pure Mayas who have forgotten
where they put their temples, but put on a fine show of imported string
weaving and human sacrifice for the tourist trade.
About 75% of all people speak fluent English with a Caribbean accent,
while many speak fluent Spanish with an English accent. 30% are
bilingual and 10% are trilingual, but not at the same time as accents
clash.
The most striking thing about the country is it's emptiness - only
16.8 people per public toilet in the holiday season.
History.
Deep in the forest are ruins of the Mayan empire, which flourished here
until the 9th century AD, when it disappeared to Mexico. Why, we shall
never know. Professors have spent years advancing theories in a fanfare
of academic publicity, only to be forgotten by closing time. One theory
is that the Mayans went on holiday to Yucatan on summer, where lost in
the arcane pursuits of nose flute wrestling and open heart surgery, they
missed the last llama train home.
Transport.
Along the 400 miles of road, specially tropicalised versions of the
London double decker bus ply their trade. A regular service runs to all
parts of the country, with as many as two a day in rush hour. Rush hours
are generally between June and August.
Government.
Modelled on Westminster practice: the first past the post wins. Races are
held every five years around the newly constructed track enclosing the
capital, Belmopan, a new city built of corrugated cardboard and palm
fronds with British loans totalling nearly $7,000. The city has 4,000
inhabitants, most of them academics looking for lost Mayas.
Documents.
No visa is required, especially if you are a lost Maya. All lost Maya's
are welcome, as the country is very empty.
Language.
English is the official language, but Spanish is generally spoken to
those who understand it. Maya would have been spoken had they not all
disappeared.
Clothing.
A black and white dinner jacket is suitable for formal occasions, such
as declaring war on Guatemala or the launching of a space probe.
Fauna.
There are some animals, but it's very empty. It's the Maya's you see,
they've disappeared.
