HORRORSCOPE
ARIES
With the Moon in Saturn, you're in for a rough time with your partner,
but nothing a well placed explosive charge shouldn't take care of.
Everything will be back to normal by the 28th.
Lucky number: Bristol 428569
Lucky Colour: Fondant Puce (see the new Delux Autumn Glow Privatisation
Range).
Mantraword: Cucumber
TAURUS
That 'Bullworker' Isn't doing you any good at all, you know. We're all
laughing at you behind your back-you should have heard what we were
saying in the pub the other night.
GEMINI
A family argument is on the horizon - something to do with those
food parcels you've been sending to Mr. Owen to help him through
his political crisis. If you want to put yourself and your Robin
Reliant at the disposal of Mrs. Thatcher at this time of national
emergency, that's your business. Just don't expect me to help you
invade Cuba after what happened last time.
CANCER
Now is the time to let the real you shine through, time to let rip
with your creative abilities, time to build that full sized matchstick
replica of the Hindenburg Zeppelin. Talking of which, it's not gone
unnoticed that you're developing something of a stomach. Maybe you
should take up smoking again. (Dedicated to John, you know who you are).
LEO
Lucky you! You're going to meet a tall dark stranger with a pronounced
limp. Speaking in Esperanto, he will try to sell you a controlling
interest in a trout farm in Paraguay. It's a good deal, but the bank
manager will take a lot of convincing. Try to get the prospectus
translated.
VIRGO
The long-lost British Marathon team from the 1932 Olympics will turn
up in your living room and eat all your bacon sandwiches. Before you
get a chance to call the police they will have driven off in a big
pink dormobile. Now is a good time to have a holiday. You've really
got to stop taking that stuff, you know.
LIBRA
Mercury fills Uranus and finances are likely to be highlighted this
month. Your car will be re-possessed by the loan-sharks and your first
born will be slain by social security snoopers. You could try to
get a job, you idle half-wit.
SCORPIO
Hoo-boy! I'd sure hate to be a Scorpio this month! Plague of locusts,
smallpox epidemic, an earthquake, nothing good on television, colour
magazine missing from the Sunday paper. As a rule, Scorpios are
objectionable people. I hope you get a boil on your bum as well.
SAGITTARIUS
The main thing to remember is...keep calm! Go out...Now! Get a months
supply of tinned food and half a dozen or so jerry cans filled with
fresh water. And see to it that you have at least one reliable firearm
with plenty of silver bullets. Block any hidden entrances and sprinkle
holy water in every room. And pray. Pray as though your life depended
on it. It does. Get a friend to collect your giro.
CAPRICORN
I don't think I've ever met a Capricorn. Why is this sign so deeply
unfashionable? Well, whoever you are, the chart says you're giving
birth to a fine healthy seven pound boy on the 29th. I guess all
Capricorns must be women.
AQUARIUS
A close relative will develop an irritating passion for Gregorian
chant. You will fall madly in love with someone at least 20 years your
junior. Things have never been the same since the Age of Aquarius ended
and we joined the Common Market.
PISCES
Now's the time to chuck in the job and go off to the Pacific (or maybe
Portugal) and write that novel. Go to the boss's secretary's desk and
look in the bottom left drawer. There's a blank, signed cheque for next
week's petty cash. Ten grand ought to see you through to the first
publishers advance.
I don't like the first three paragraphs in chapter seven: they're a
bit self indulgent.
