GLASNOST
-----------------
Many people are confused by the terms 'GLASNOST' and 'PERESTROIKA',
well just for you, the ordinary capitalist, we have put together a
little guide to the new situation in the USSR.
* The word 'GLASNOST' literally means 'glass nose', and was coined
by Stalin during his period of sawing off war heros nose's in the 1940's
* Gorbachevs wife Raisa has long been an admirer of Western artefacts,
and is now able to show off her collection of Nazi memoribilia without
fear of reprisals.
* The average Russian food queue is now only 1.75 km long.
* Many Russian citizens now own a pair of shoes.
* There a re now fewer frail and elderly dissidents having electrodes
screwed to their earlobes than at any other time since June 1986.
* Although smiling is still a capital offence in Russia, there has
been talk of an annually permitted grin on Lenin day.
* the number of Russians being executed by firing squad for receiving
foreign mail is now well under four million (per month).
* Talking about the weather is now as popular in Russia as it is in
England, since the official acknowledgement of the existence of snow in
Russia. This marks a change from the pre-Gorbachev period when anyone
who complained about the weather was publicly disembowelled on a charge
of 'defaming the Soviet climate', along with their family, friends and
anyone they'd ever looked at or spoken to
* Traditional dreary Russian TV has now been livened up by the addition
of traditionally dreary BBC costume dramas.
* Previously regarded as decadent and subversive, Western singers
Val Doonican, Frank Ifield and Anthony Newley are now freely
availible in Russia.
* Glasnost has given a boost to the hitherto unknown Soviet rock
circuit, with the staging of concerts in public conveniences by groups
like Food Shortage, who recently scored a big hit with their single,
"Papa's got a brand new five year plan".
