Get your own back letter (part 1)

Get your own back letter (part 1)

Thank you very very very much, this is going to prove useful...

THE BELLVUE CLINIC
57 Prince Frederick Street, London EC1 01-960 4770

Date as Postmark

Dear

We have reason to believe that you have just contracted one of the
most deadly forms of venereal disease known to man.

Your girlfriend recently came to us for treatment. Please understand
that normally, we would respect confidentiality, but this is such a
virulent and awesomely vicious strain that everyone in contact with
the carrier must be warned, isolated and treated before he or she
passes it on. We have already contacted and isolated your girlfriend's
other lovers, (although isolating an entire regiment of Scots Guards
has proved difficult.)

We are not yet sure, but we believe your girlfriend contracted the
strain from some Hungarian sailors on leave. It is not a well-known
fact, but 96% of all venereal outbreaks in the U.K. stem from a
Hungarian source. This is especially true when Maygar Ice-Breakers
are in dock. Budapest has now replace Seoul as the 'venereal capital
of the world' and we are confident that this is probably the original
source of contamination.

Treatment is by course of one hundred incredibly painful, monthly
injections. During this time no alcohol is to be consumed and food
must be hi-fibre only. You will also have to wear a surgical mask,
as the bacilli are so virulent that a breath, on average, will contain
five billion individual bacterium, enough to cripple a major city.

There will be, unavoidably, some side effects from the vaccine -
flatulence and vomiting alternating with impotence, torpor and
paralysis. You may well also experience a considerable shrivelling
of the genitalia. This, of course is irrevocable and will leave you,
at treatments end, with an endowment roughly equal to a dormouse.
Failure to seek immediate treatment will result in what is called, in
medical circles, "The China Syndrome", which has an effect on the
lower regions toughly equivalent to placing wax crayons in an oven.

Immediately upon reading this letter, you should remove yourself from
any company and lock yourself in the toilet. Stay there, keeping
breathing to a minimum until a special Venereal Protection until
arrives to collect you.

In the assurance that full recovery is possible,

Yours,

H.Houser

Chief Consultant