I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
asked him to forgive me.
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Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale
and sold the engine?
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I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
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I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
-----
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-----
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
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well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
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My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
-----
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have
a good hand.
-----
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
-----
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
-----
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
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You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
-----
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
