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Might be too related to the David Moyes thread, as he's having a bad period.
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HAMLET
ACT I SCENE I
The battlements of Elsinore Castle.
Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was ****ed!
(Exit GHOST.)
HAMLET: O ****.
(Exit HAMLET.)
SCENE II
The Throneroom.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: **** off, won't you?
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have ******* waited.
(Enter HORATIO.)
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
Ophelia's Bedroom.
Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.
LAERTES: I'm ******* off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be ****ed if he does.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE IV
The Battlements.
Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That ****** Claudius. He poured ******* poison in my ******* ear!
HAMLET: **** me!
(Exeunt.)
ACT II SCENE I
A corridor in the castle.
Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: **** off, grandad!
(Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: **** off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS & GUILD.)
HAMLET: (Alone) To **** or be ****ed.
(Enter OPHELIA.)
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: **** off to a nunnery!
(The exit in different directions.)
ACT III SCENE I
The Throne Room.
Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.
I PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be ****ed if I watch any more of this crap.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Gertrude's Bedchamber.
Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your ******* mouth, kid!
POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the **** was that?
(He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.)
POLONIUS: ****!
HAMLET: ****! I thought it was that other ******.
(Exeunt.)
ACT IV SCENE I
A Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: **** off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE II
The Throne Room.
OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS: She's ******* round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and ******* drowned!
CLAUDIUS: ****! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
A Corridor.
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to ******* do this lot.
(Enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS: I didn't ******* do it, mate. It was that ****** Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, **** him.
ACT V SCENE I
Hamlet's Bedchamber.
HAMLET and HORATIO seated.
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying ****.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Large Hall.
Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.
LAERTES: Oi, ******: let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, ****face.
(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES: ****!
HAMLET: ****!
(The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE: ******* odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong ******* cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat) Well, **** you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely ****ed.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
(LAERTES dies.)
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm ****ed. The rest is ******* silence.
(HAMLET dies.)
HORATIO: ****: that was no ordinary ******, you know.
(Enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTINBRAS: What the ****'s going on here?
HORATIO: A ******* mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's ****ed.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: ******* shame: ******* good bloke.
HORATIO: Too ******* right.
FORTINBRAS: **** this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums.)Leave a comment:
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