Nice article from Jeff Randle
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/mai...14/ixcoms.html
Business description: Illusions 'R' Us
Labour is a bunch of chancers that masquerades as a legitimate administration of the United Kingdom (chaired by a queen).
It has been highly effective in persuading voters that: a) it has good intentions, b) it operates ethically and c) it knows what it's doing.
Its success represents a triumph of public relations over rational thought. Those involved in creating Labour's prospectus could, if they wished, be stars in either the fiction division of Penguin or as members of the Magic Circle.
The party's appeal has been underpinned by shot-blasting the electorate with promises of a better health service, improved education, a more coherent transport system, enhanced security and a war on waste.
Reality is that hospitals are closing, a generation of children can barely read a cornflakes packet, roads are gridlocked, foreign terrorists luxuriate in Britain, and fortunes are being squandered on dysfunctional welfare.
People pour into the country, money gushes out. Nobody knows the precise numbers. Nowhere in global prestidigitation can we find a management team more effective at combining policy fantasies with ballot-box credibility.
Investment case: Cash, bang, wallop
The argument for buying into the Labour party is simple: Lord Cashpoint, its chief fund raiser, has shoved your arm so far up your back that your belly button and nipples are pointing in opposite directions.
In pure business terms, it's hard to distinguish between investment and donations, because Labour seems to account for them as interchangeable items: what was yours is theirs - and you ain't getting it back.
The return, or lack of it, has to be measured as an off-balance-sheet benefit. This could be drinks at No 10, a few words from the Prime Minister in the ear of a foreign leader whom you'd like to influence, or, if the bung is big enough, what the British call knighthoods and peerages.
This eccentricity enables Labour's most generous benefactors to refer to themselves as Sir or Lord. In our view, it's cheaper and less compromising to follow the example of John Wayne and simply call yourself Duke.
Valuation: throwing good money after bad people
Labour is basically an asset-free operation. Its worth, therefore, can be calculated only by adding up goodwill and human capital. By comparison, an illicit Panamanian poker-school appears attractive.
For three elections, the party has traded on the superficial charm of its chief executive, helped by a paucity of credible competitors. But Tony Blair's choice of directors - Peter Mandelson, David Blunkett, John Prescott and Michael Levy (non-executive) - has courted scandal.
With its popularity waning and the integrity of several senior managers under intense examination, Labour looks increasingly like the Eurotunnel of British politics. Such is the space between what is earned and what is owed, even Captain Kirk could get lost in it.
Corporate governance: Don't do as we do
Dodgy loans, fast-track visas and undeclared perks are just some examples of how Labour has conflated public resources and private benefits. Whether it's funding from Bernie Ecclestone, a holiday with Silvio Berlusconi or enjoying a country house with a croquet lawn, Labour seems unencumbered by excessive regulation. For them, flying the red flag and flouting red tape is all in a day's work.
Inside the boardroom:
Tony Blair, chief executive
Salesman who, with the aid of a slippery attorney and a cunning press officer, convinced his customers that Weapons of Mass Destruction were the real thing. He frets about the deleterious effect of human-rights lawyers, but is married to one. Well past his sell-by date.
John Prescott, deputy chief executive
Previous job: cameo role in Blazing Saddles. When he told Blair that he wanted a cowboy outfit, the Prime Minister gave him an entire government department. Only man on either side of the Atlantic capable of making George Bush seem like a master of spoken English.
Gordon Brown, finance director
Genius at double-counting. Moves the goal-posts more times than a municipal park-keeper. So clever, he was able to construct a tax-and-benefits system of such complexity that it was understood only by determined fraudsters, who have sucked millions from the public purse.
Margaret Beckett, overseas sales
Just because all items in her wardrobe look as though they were acquired from an Oxfam shop in Derby, investors shouldn't mistake this as an expression of solidarity with developing countries. Once a member of the hard left, now more at ease with the hard of hearing.
Patricia Hewittless, health officer
Has held several posts in the Blair boardroom and done them all equally badly. Was a laughing stock at the Department of Trade and Industry, where she botched the handling of Rover's collapse. Sounds like a self-satisfied headmistress from a suburban junior school.
Labour's first theme tune:
"Things can only get better"
Labour's last theme tune:
"Dancing in the dark"
Conclusion and recommendation:
A global leader in hoodwinking. World-class legerdemain. Unrivalled capacity for ruining the country. Sell
