Advice for Downing Street’s new residents

[Mich the Tester]

This is the last day in your life that anybody likes you. Make the most of it.

[TimberWolf]

Redirect the post!

To the Tower of London.

[Churchill]

Redirect the post!

[Bright Spark]

obvious - change the locks ASAP
get the bad credit rating fixed on that address

[PRC1964]

Save money on contraception, whenever you feel horny just imagine the last two residents shagging in that same bedroom.

[TimberWolf]

You mean there's something in it?

Bills, promissory notes, IOU's.

[moorfield]

If a reporter knocks on your door, tell him his satnav has probably gone wrong.

[Mich the Tester]

Keep yer thieving fingers out of the housekeeping jar!

You mean there's something in it?

[wobbegong]

Keep yer thieving fingers out of the housekeeping jar!

[shaunbhoy]

Don't dig up the patio.

[TimberWolf]

Don't bother unpacking?

[Mich the Tester]

1 Order new curtains; 3 years old snot won’t wash off that easily
2 Don’t use the bog until it’s been thoroughly disinfected
3 About that little room in the hallway where Mr Mandelscum stayed at night; just leave the door locked and don’t look inside
4 Mr Darling has left his eyebrows behind as a helpful gesture; use them as a bogbrush if you will
5 The calculator on the desk is faulty; get an abacus instead


Suggestions?