Reply to: What would you do?

[thelace]

Parents, sheesh....

They're all the bloody same...

My dad had a stroke a month back.

First I knew when when I had a phone call from my brother, just returned from Germany on the Friday. He'd had the stroke on the Tuesday.

He'd made my mum promise "not to worry the boys with it" so she'd been sat on her own for 3 days with no way of getting down to see him or into town for fresh supplies....

I must admit I went ballistic....

And made the point of visiting them both then and every weekend since (just about) even though it's a 450 mile round trip and he says not to bother, he's OK...

[NiceUpNorth]

I would definately have another 1-2-1 with him.

Are there 'good days' when his senses are more a kin to the younger man he once was? If so, i suggest having the sit down then, and ensure that something is decided that day i.e. appointment booked with GP

HTH

[suityou01]

My Grandmother was well into her 80s and her memory was totally shot. She still muddled along and lived into her nineties (albeit in a home)

There are some very serious and unpleasant things you need to consider here.

First and foremost is your father's well being, that goes without saying. His independance is at threat. This indignation is either fuelled by fear of the inevitable or misplaced pride. If possible I would reason with him that you want him to remain independant for as long as possible, and to help him do that he needs to get some medication. (I know you have tried reasoning with him, but this line of attack is worth a shot)

Secondly, are the legals all in order? My grandmother was coerced into signing a power of attourney over to a bent solicitor behind my father's back. Nasty business. Make sure the house is in order.

Thirdly rather than him go into a home, there are flats with wardens that come round and check on them - kind of a half way measure.

Good luck.

[realityhack]

Can we grow tobacco in this country (off to check wiki).. or is he an import from Rhodesia?

Spot on. The family moved from Surrey to Rhodesia in the 50s, and left when Mad Bob totally screwed it all up.

[realityhack]

Tell him that he agreed to go to the Doctor's yesterday?

You know, that may just work. Devious, but a good last-resort.

At the end of the day - I know I'd like someone to be doing the same for me - even if it was just to buy me a few more years of cogency. Especially if I had planned to write. Such a waste if he refuses treatment.

[Troll]

Yep. Which is what upset him.

Mother in law is aware, but they're separated (on semi-ok terms) and she's about as subtle as a freight train derailing at speed, and will probably just shout at him and bullly him into either further denial or action, so we'll definitely be talking to her.

I'll check out the resources and speak to (my own) doctor first to get some advice. The rate of decline is worrying.

He farmed tobacco, sugar cane and chickens. No sheep.

Thanks for the comments so far guys.

Can we grow tobacco in this country (off to check wiki).. or is he an import from Rhodesia?

[realityhack]

What about your wife? Has she talked to him about going to the GP?

Yep. Which is what upset him.

Mother in law is aware, but they're separated (on semi-ok terms) and she's about as subtle as a freight train derailing at speed, and will probably just shout at him and bullly him into either further denial or action, so we'll definitely be talking to her.

I'll check out the resources and speak to (my own) doctor first to get some advice. The rate of decline is worrying.

He farmed tobacco, sugar cane and chickens. No sheep.

Thanks for the comments so far guys.

[cailin maith]

RH - thats a really tulipty position to be in. For both you and Mrs RH.

Is Mrs RH's mum still around? Has she expressed any concern or need of help?

I think what Mich said before is right. My mum is a nurse, now in the same field as Mrs Mich, you need professional support as much as he will.

[TimberWolf]

Tell him that he agreed to go to the Doctor's yesterday?

[Troll]

Did he farm sheep?

Farm experts called for a ban on sheep-dips based on organophosphates this week until more is known about their link to neurological damage, mental instability and suicide among farmers.

According to Andrew Watterson of De Montfort University, decades of data strongly suggest that regular exposure to organophosphates (OPs) results in progressive damage to the nervous system and neuropsychiatric problems.

[Pinto]

What about your wife? Has she talked to him about going to the GP?

[Mich the Tester]

He's 71 this year. But fit for his age, looks like he's in his 60s. Used to be a farmer.

Trouble with farmers is the only doctor they trust is the vet. You perhaps need to get some advice for yourself; www.alzheimers.org.uk have a helpline. Mrs Tester has worked as a psychogeriatric nurse with dementia sufferers and their families for 20 years. She says that firstly it might not be dementia, but IF it is then this denial behaviour is very normal. It's up to his family to help him now, but you need expert advice as to how to talk to him about it; many people have been before you so the professionals should know how to approach this.

[TheRefactornator]

My old man is completely nuts..but he has been for as long as I can remember so it's not old age / senility..he's just a basket case who doesn't remember anything anyone says to him.

[FiveTimes]

A serious one for a change...

My father in law recently retired, and has embraced retirement with gusto. He bought a computer (big step for him), I set it up for him and he set about writing a book he'd wanted to for years. All fine and dandy.

However, over the last year, his memory has deteriorated rapidly. When he first started forgetting (quite important) things, I had a quiet word with him. He agreed with me that it was a problem, and I said there's medication the GP can prescribe nowadays that can tackle this depending on the diagnosis - and that it was important to get treated early, as (if it's) Alzhiemer's, early treatment can prolong a patient's useful cognitive life for many years. He seemed to agree this was sensible.

He's one of those 'don't see a GP unless your arm's falling off, and even then, try a band-aid first' types, and has put the GP thing off. We've gently approached the topic once or twice since then, but only gently. All the while, it has become progressively worse, and his decline is accelerating by the week.

Today, he visited Mrs RH and was interested in the new bikes we had, said they were lovely and all that, asked why we got them etc. Problem is, he did exactly the same 2 days ago. Today he said this was the first time he'd seen them. Mrs RH brought up the memory loss on the back of this - he got upset and said 'he doesn't want to know, it's just the way it is and he doesn't want to see a doctor' and wants it left that 'if we notice anything else, he doesn't want it mentioning, and doesn't want to know about drugs etc'.

This change in his attitude is disturbing. On the one hand, I'm inclined to say 'well, it's his life and his perogative. If he doesn't want treatment then fair enough, he's his own man'. On the other, in the light of his desire to write, the extra years treatment could give him to do this, and the (selfish motive alert) longer he can remain cogent to be around us, see his potential grandchildren, and not be a (really selfish motive alert, for which I feel guilty) care burden on the family.

What would you do? Just leave it?

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Your thoughts appreciated.

RH

He needs to go and see a quack, suggest that you or wife go along.

Don't leave it as it will only get worse.

[stingman123]

Something similar happened with my father in law, you will need to speak with his GP and let him advise you. In his current state, he really doesn't have a say in his own healthcare. GP will asses his current state and all you can do is take it from there.

Good Luck