Reply to: Most Unwholesome Colleague

[DieScum]

I once taught a class and had one student 'Mandy'.

She was grotesquely obese, with matted greasy hair, buck teeth and looked as it she had got dressed in the dark.

She was probably a bit autistic. Was great with computers, she solved some stuff first go that I couldn't being a supposed expert... but jesus, she used to sit at the back of the class swigging out a pint of milk... when I was talking she would close her eyes, through her wobbly head back and sort of sleep with her mouth wide open.

She'd constantly say what ever was on her mind, whether she was bored, etc, no idea of normal human manners.

At lunch she came up to me and asked if it could be arranged for her only to have meat as she hated vegetables and couldn't touch anything near them.

Mad, mad woman. Good with computers though.

[Peoplesoft bloke]

I blame the introduction of loans, before that a kebab would have been the obvious choice

Er - except I went before loans (yes I am that old).

[Bagpuss]

No excuse. I have a photo of a turd between 2 slices of bread taken during my University days on an old fashioned camera.

(I am not proud of this)

I blame the introduction of loans, before that a kebab would have been the obvious choice

[Peoplesoft bloke]

One of the biggest regrets I have is that I was born so long before the digital camera became available.

No excuse. I have a photo of a turd between 2 slices of bread taken during my University days on an old fashioned camera.

(I am not proud of this)

[EternalOptimist]

The image will be with me for the rest of my life, along with the regret at not contacting the people at Guiness book of records

One of the biggest regrets I have is that I was born so long before the digital camera became available.

[Bagpuss]

The image will be with me for the rest of my life, along with the regret at not contacting the people at Guiness book of records

[EternalOptimist]

maybe it wasn't a cornish pasty shaped dung, maybe it was a real baby stegosaurus. a brown one.
well its possible

[Chugnut]

Not a colleague but a room mate at uni. In the second year we were one person short to fill a house. We decided to offer the room to a guy from Winchester, despite rumours we had heard.

He was quite a sarcastic little git but I put that down to him coming from the south east of England. Anyway, as time went on he became more reclusive and nocturnal, getting up durning the night, sleeping throughout the day. Never seemed to change his clothes (one playing football and going out on the town in them), the soap and shampoo in the bathroom gathered dust. Then the whole first floor of the house started to smell of him, gradually the smell spread throughout the house. The culmination of this disgusting residence was finding what I can only describe as a giant cornish pasty shaped turd blocking the pan. The smell was out of this world.

Last i heard he was packaging salads for M&S

This is not turd, this is M&S turd.

[Chugnut]

He extended what I can only describe as a 'claw'. His finger nails were about an half an inch long and stained a shade of sunset orange by nicotine.

...

My team were sat there appalled and astonished, and wondering whether this creature would suddenly stand up and reveal himself as Jeremy Beadle.

Alas no, he was for real

Maybe it was Beadle.

Sorry, RIP Jeremy.

[Lucy]

Not a colleague but a room mate at uni. In the second year we were one person short to fill a house. We decided to offer the room to a guy from Winchester, despite rumours we had heard.

He was quite a sarcastic little git but I put that down to him coming from the south east of England. Anyway, as time went on he became more reclusive and nocturnal, getting up durning the night, sleeping throughout the day. Never seemed to change his clothes (one playing football and going out on the town in them), the soap and shampoo in the bathroom gathered dust. Then the whole first floor of the house started to smell of him, gradually the smell spread throughout the house. The culmination of this disgusting residence was finding what I can only describe as a giant cornish pasty shaped turd blocking the pan. The smell was out of this world.

Last i heard he was packaging salads for M&S

Thanks BP, I went from laughing so hard it hurt, to feeling physically ill.

[Bagpuss]

I will never buy a salad or a cornish pasty from M&S ever again

To this day I cannot fathom how a man could give birth to such a thing, it defied physics

[sasguru]

Who's the most unwholesome colleague (or other individual your work has brought you into contact with)?

I once did a gig which involved the Royal Navy.

A clean-cut and wholesome bunch you might imagine - and on the whole they were.

However, RN runs some pretty obscure and ancient mainframe software, including a strange, hybrid, non-relational database.

My project needed to communicate with this unwieldy behemoth and so the RN's resident DB expert (a civilian) was duly called upon to attend a planning meeting.

My team an I were assembled in a meeting room at our own offices. RN were coming up from Portsmouth on the train and were an hour and half late for the meeting (good job there wasn't a war on).

A couple of purposeful looking chaps and a chapess strode into the room and offered apologies for their tardiness.

We sat down and I was about to begin the meeting when in shambled (and I use the word advisedly) the skankiest looking bloke I'd ever seen.

Imagine your worst 'UNIX guru' stereotype with all of his attendant hygiene and personality deficiencies, then multiply by 10.

He extended what I can only describe as a 'claw'. His finger nails were about an half an inch long and stained a shade of sunset orange by nicotine.

His long hair looked matted and his whispy, straggly beard contained specks, globs and crumbs of God knows what and his greasy, bottle-lens NHS specs completed the entire unsavory picture.

I shook his 'hand', desperately resisting the urge to wipe mine on my trousers and wondering how I could ever eat with it again.

He took his seat at the table and fished out a bashed-up sandwich and a bottle of Lilt from the old school satchel he used as a briefcase.

As he chomped and swigged, he elucidated the finer points of the obscure DB, spitting gobbets of tuna and chewed up wholemeal bread for a radius of several feet.

I was almost physically sick.

Throughout the entire performance, the rest of the RN team remained cheerfully impassive. Talk about British Grit!

My team were sat there appalled and astonished, and wondering whether this creature would suddenly stand up and reveal himself as Jeremy Beadle.

Alas no, he was for real

Yes I remember that meeting. The sandwich was very nice and it was salmon not tuna, FFS

[EternalOptimist]

Not a colleague but a room mate at uni. In the second year we were one person short to fill a house. We decided to offer the room to a guy from Winchester, despite rumours we had heard.

He was quite a sarcastic little git but I put that down to him coming from the south east of England. Anyway, as time went on he became more reclusive and nocturnal, getting up durning the night, sleeping throughout the day. Never seemed to change his clothes (one playing football and going out on the town in them), the soap and shampoo in the bathroom gathered dust. Then the whole first floor of the house started to smell of him, gradually the smell spread throughout the house. The culmination of this disgusting residence was finding what I can only describe as a giant cornish pasty shaped turd blocking the pan. The smell was out of this world.

Last i heard he was packaging salads for M&S

I will never buy a salad or a cornish pasty from M&S ever again

[Bagpuss]

Not a colleague but a room mate at uni. In the second year we were one person short to fill a house. We decided to offer the room to a guy from Winchester, despite rumours we had heard.

He was quite a sarcastic little git but I put that down to him coming from the south east of England. Anyway, as time went on he became more reclusive and nocturnal, getting up durning the night, sleeping throughout the day. Never seemed to change his clothes (one playing football and going out on the town in them), the soap and shampoo in the bathroom gathered dust. Then the whole first floor of the house started to smell of him, gradually the smell spread throughout the house. The culmination of this disgusting residence was finding what I can only describe as a giant cornish pasty shaped turd blocking the pan. The smell was out of this world.

Last i heard he was packaging salads for M&S

[threaded]

You're not all saying I've worked with sadguru too? What a small world it indeed is.