Reply to: Shock News

[Mailman]

Sorry to hear that however in your near 38 years did you never look at either of them and think... Hmmmm they are nothing like me?

Especially as mum and dad is black while you is white!

Sorry, but seriously best thing to do is play the "buy my love" card!

Mailman

[Lucy]

Dear BGG

I hope you are coiming to terms with your news and feeling a little better.

I wanted to tell you this, although, it may not be relevant, but it feels important. My BF's biological mother died at the weekend, he got very close to her over the last ten years and I know he is glad he found her. I know not all adoption stories go so well, and he was one of the lucky ones to have shared some time with someone like her.

Take care
L

[milanbenes]

All the best BGG,



Milan.

[MrsGoof]

I can't really comment exept 2 things

1/ you have manged to identify that you have lovng parents that you appreciate all that they have given and done for you and you still think of them as you did prior to knowing. (too many people can't be bothered to identify what the've got untill it's all gone)
2/ you are delaing with this intellegently and rationally

your're on the right track, just keep going along this route and you will come out the other side with a clear head.

MG

[Board Game Geek]

I'm still stunned that so many of us have been touched by adoption in one shape or form (and that's those who wish to talk about it)

Well, I had a chance to rationalise some of my thoughts (and I understand that the rest will follow in time).

1. You cannot choose your birth (although someone else can choose it for you).

Meaning that had I have continued along my original birth environment, I would have gone to a children's home, quite possibly been abused, and ended up a lot different than I am now. That's not to denigrate those that were brought up in children's homes, but more a case of realising how very very lucky I have been.

It also makes me realise with a sobering logic that I was destined to be brought up in a very rough family (had they kept me), and probably would have ended up in prison. At the very least, I would have been a member of the chav underclass.

And that makes me realise something too.

Regardless of my priviliged upbringing, I have no right to look down on others, yes even chavs, because they didn't have the choice I had. And I could have easily been and was destined to be, a chav myself.

Not that I shall look at them with pity either...I have learned that we are all products of our environment and the people around us.

2. I have contacted my non-biological father (my parents are divorced). I explained that I knew. He was in tears, the relief of carrying this secret for 39 years (as did my mother) came flooding out.

I explained that I wanted him to have closure and not have to carry this burden anymore.

I said to him "I want to say thank you. Because you (and my mother) both gave me a better chance in life that I could every have hoped for. I feel like I have won the lucky lottery in life and won the best parents a child could ever hope for. You've carried the fear of rejection around for 39 years, and I want you to know that I have no hate, no anger, no malice towards you. You made a decision for me, and it was the right one. I have only love....and by the way, Dad, you ain't gonna get rid of me that easily."

The last comment, said in a joking voice, elicited a laugh from him and I could sense that years of guilt and fear were starting to slowly ease from his mind.

3. I loathe my birthname. I'm very happy with the one I have thank you very much. (Actually, when I was 18, I changed my Firstname via deed poll anyway, since it was the name everyone called me by anyway.) Besides, I really don't inherently feel like my birthame.

4. I am considering tracing my birth mother. However, I am more going off the idea. My reason to trace her is simple. I want her to have closure as well (if she is still alive). If she doesn't want to talk to me, fine, that's her choice. But so long as she gets the message that she did the right thing, and for that, I will always be grateful and hold a place for her in my heart.

If she does want to talk to me, the same message will be conveyed, but I do not want to cause any trouble or family upset. I just want to pass the message on and go my own way.

That's where I am up to at the moment, less that 2 days after hearing the news.

I shall keep you all posted and many thanks for the PM's and posts on similar circumstances.

Prior to the weekend, I had an ideal that most families were like the Swiss Family Robinson. All cute and fluffy.

This weekend, I learned from the posts here (and speaking to my friends) that every family has The Big Secret (or more) and life isn't quite as clearcut as I imagined.

I'm suprised we haven't all killed each other by now

[SandyDown]

How goes it,Doll??

Long time no speak!!

Hi Jacko - I PMed you.

[Lucy]

BGG My BF was told he was adopted when he was 22, it was a complete surprise to him also. I'm not sure what to say except he has met his birth mother and they all get along very well, his father cannot be found unfortunately. His story sounds a little like yours in that he was adopted by middle-class people who gave him what his (unmarried) birth mother could not.

I'm sure he wouldn't mind talking with you if you think it would help. I think it is just one of those situations that unless you've been through it, it's hard to know what it could possibly be like.

Good Luck !

[smee.again]

When it is important Sal, it seems even the kiddies can behave.

It also seems something that a lot of us can relate to.....

[The Lone Gunman]

I cant believe this has stayed on topic for 6 pages!!!

When it is important Sal, it seems even the kiddies can behave.

[SallyAnne]

I cant believe this has stayed on topic for 6 pages!!!

[The Lone Gunman]

I hope you figure this out BGG. Not an easy one.

First and formost make sure your Mum knows where she stands. You seem to have that in hand though. She is and always will be your Mum.
You then get on to the dangerous bit. What if you meet your natural mother and instantly feel a bond? What happens to your Mum then?
What if you meet your natural mother and everything turns to tulip?

I always try and live by this mantra: Never regret anything you didnt do.

DO it and regret, but dont spend your life wishing you had done something when you had the chance.

Not much help me, am I.

Best wishes whichever.

[smee.again]

I also do not think you should do it just for her...you need to do it, or not do it, for yourself!!!

If you can live with not ever knowing the woman that gave birth to you, then fine. But remember also, that it takes 2 and I guess you also have a father out there as well!!!

The worst thing you can do is nothing...then regret it because it is too late.

[Bagpuss]

The thing is...do I seek out my biological parents (if they are still alive) so that they can get closure on something that happened a long time ago. Do you think my birth mother wonders what happened to her son ?

I accept that she rejected me (due to peer pressure) 38 years ago. But would it be polite to track her down and just say "I don't want to change your life or mess things up, so I'll be brief. I'm ok. You did the right thing. Goodbye".

Or just let sleeping dogs lie ?

From personal experience (won't go into it here, PM me if you want more details), just contacting her for a one off might upset her more than never hearing from you again. IMHO if you want to contact her you should prepare yourself for some sort of relationship rather than break her heart or don't contact her. There is an organisation that will help you out, by working as a third party should you want to start the ball rolling, I'll dig it out when I get the chance.

[Xenophon]

All the very best, BGG.

[sasguru]

Bloody hell - a sensible and high EQ CUK thread - whatever next?
Good luck BGG - I have no idea what it must feel like.