An American Airlines pilot was on the taxiway at Heathrow.
Tower: "Sir, be aware that the VC10 has priority on the taxiway" (it was Tony Blair's plane, Queen's Flight, no less).
AA Captain: "Err... What's a VC10?"
Tower: "It's the big fvcking grey thing with wings on, to your left, Sir"
I am assured this is absolutely true.
-
Pilot talk....
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
> Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
> ************************************************** ************************
> ************************
> Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
> TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
> here?"
> Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
> 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
> ************************************************** ************************
> **************************
> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
> "I'm f...ing bored!"
> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> immediately!"
> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
> ************************************************** ************************
> ************************
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
> Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
> United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the
> little Fokker in sight."
> ************************************************** ************************
> **************************
> A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
> to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
> position?"
> Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
> ************************************************** ************************
> *************************
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
> after touching down.
> San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
> the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
> off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
> ************************************************** ************************
> **************************
> A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the
> following:
> Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> Germany . Why must I speak English?"
> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
> you lost the bloody war!"
>
> ************************************************** ************************
> **************************
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
> 124.7"
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after
> we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
> runway."
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
> Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
> copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
> ************************************************** ************************
> ***************************
> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
> the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
> around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
> the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did
> you make it all by yourself?"
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
> real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
> I'll have enough parts for another one."
> ************************************************** ************************
> **************************
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
> short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
> location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
> with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
> exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
> sign Speedbird 206.
> Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled
> onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
> to Frankfurt before?"
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
> didn't land."
> ************************************************** ************************
> ***********************
> While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight
> departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
> a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
> crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
> turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
> there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
> D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
> now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
> take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
> tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
> hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
> how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
> "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
> silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
> engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension
> in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
> Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
> asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
brilliant! brightened up my day 
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