Reply to: How many CUK Contractors does it take to change a light bulb?

[ViolentCheese]

[Paddy]

How many Lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina- tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be- tween the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

[MarillionFan]

Q. How many support staff people does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Just exactly how dark is it? Ok. There could be four or five
things wrong. Have you tried the light switch?

Q. How many integration testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We just find the problem. We don't fix them.

Q. How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The light bulb works fine on the systems in all other offices. Why
would YOURS not work?

Q. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. That's a hardware problem.

Q. How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Tell software to code around it.

Q. How many contract programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One always quits in the middle of the project.

Q. How many help desk techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I think that's a device driver problem.

Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send it a bulb change message.

[Churchill]

Leave it as it is, that way the last one of of the country needn't switch the light off!

[BoredBloke]

Are you quoting a day rate or hourly?

[bobhope]

Normally they don't have to sue. The 'host' - client company is usually too embarrassed.

[mcquiggd]

Too specific. Use Buzzword Bingo when describing a 'deliverable', which may, or may not be a physical entity, but may be more of an 'advancement' in a medium that cannot be quantified.

However, they will sue if you do not pay them. Of course.

[TheMonkey]

Accenture: "I'll replace your light bulb with an oil lamp and some snake oil for £25k consultancy plus £150k implementation".

[mcquiggd]

Lightbulbs are considered to be outside the initial project envelope. 'Change' was what accenture were offering.

[Mordac]

Accenture have just quoted $6,500,000 for an initial consultation. The estimate is around two years to scope the project.

And I bet there's no mention of lightbulbs on their key deliverables...

[Alf W]

The new illumination paradigm.

**** all. Delivered.

[mcquiggd]

Accenture have just quoted $6,500,000 for an initial consultation. The estimate is around two years to scope the project.

[Francko]

This job must be outsourced for budget reasons.

[Lucifer Box]

Alf will change it for a fiver.

[Sockpuppet]

1 if you subcontract it to me.