any holes I can crawl into?

[MaryPoppins]

When I worked in Liverpool, I used to park in a multi storey - always in the same bit, if not the same space. One night after finishing quite late I got to my usual area to find my car wasn't there. I did the usual thing - turning round in circles and looking at the same spot extra hard, blinking extra hard, saying out loud 'but...it was here?' - as if all these things would make a VW Golf drop out of the sky and back into the spot I left it.

Still no car, so I trotted over to the little man in the security box and bleated that my car had been stolen. He asks me - are you sure? Have you checked the whole carpark? Of COURSE! I'm not stupid, am I.

He called the police and let me come into his little room to use the phone to sort a train.

Of course it was around this point I had a sudden vision of myself that morning, parking on the other side of the car park.

Mortified, I told him I was just going to pop...to....er. check something.

It was embarrassing enough to see my car parked where I had left it, but it was made worse by me dropping my ticket down the side of my seat and being unable to retrieve it, forcing me to explain why I was a total tit on two counts.

[Flubster]

It was embarrassing enough to see my car parked where I had left it, but it was made worse by me dropping my ticket down the side of my seat and being unable to retrieve it, forcing me to explain why I was a total tit on two counts.

Similar story as Mrs Flubster. She went to West Quay in Southampton with her mum. She went back to the car a few hours later to load the shopping and it wasn't there. After checking all 15 floors, she concluded the car had been stolen and got the car parking attendants to search as well. Half-an-hour later, they confirmed that there was no sign of her A-Class. She rang me in floods, apologising for losing the car. The police were on their way to take details. At this point, I calmly and slowly explained that her car wasn't stolen. It was still on the driveway....she had taken my E-Class that day.

All the while, her mother went along with it, but with a slightly confused look as to why her daughter was looking for the wrong car....but never once spoke up!!!

A pair of tits on this occassion....

[doodab]

I once managed to persuade 6 French police officers to raid a strip club looking for my wallet.

Which was in my pocket.

To be fair, they had patted me down twice beforehand and missed it both times.

[suityou01]

I once managed to persuade 6 French police officers to raid a strip club looking for my wallet.

Which was in my pocket.

To be fair, they had patted me down twice beforehand and missed it both times.

Yep that sounds like you

[Support Monkey]

Friend of mine purchased a HIFI telly unit from Homebase, he took it home and started building it up, several hours later he found he was unable to build the unit as it looked nothing like the instructions or the picture so he loaded the part completed unit back into his car and drove back to homebase.

He took the part built unit into the shop with him were he demanded to see the manager, manager comes out and my freind promptly tears a strip off him for the shoddy goods they have sold him showing the manager the instructions and the box and complaining about the fact it looked nothing like the instruction or pictures, Manager looks at the box then the unit, looks at the instructions and the unit then picks the unit up and turns it over and without p*ssing himself laughing says "i think you will find its upside down sir"

[doodab]

Yep that sounds like you

Just remember the pack of cards

[MaryPoppins]

@ ^

The first time I got contact lenses, I got myself into a bit of a pickle. I had to take them out at work the first day after a while, and put them in their little respective L and R cases. Once home I tried putting them back in and got my eyeballs and fingers all stressed trying to get them in.

During the kerfuffle, I got the Left and Right lenses mixed up, and lost track of which one was meant to go where. I got them both in and nope, I was certain I couldn't see properly. I swapped them round and they still didn't seem right.

I couldn't work out which was which at all, so I took them down to the optician and tried to explain what I'd done, and that I think they'd been mixed up so that I couldn't see properly, or work out which went where.

The lady looked on the system and explained in a puzzled voice that she wasn't sure what I meant, seeing as both lenses had the same prescription.

[Sysman]

Went into a pizzeria in Vienna dying for a pepperoni but the only thing remotely like it on the menu (in German) was 'Pfefferoni' so I asked for that. The waiter looked at me oddly and eventually returned with a 12"-er with three huge chilli-peppers arranged in a triangle shape.

I complained these aren't pepperoni's and the guy said, oh you meant salami? I said no, pepperoni, not fukn huge chilli-peppers. Eventually settled for salami as the most pepperoni-like but it's still not cricket is it?

I have concluded that the concept of a pepperoni pizza does not exist in the German-speaking world.

Pepperoni is Yank for Salami

[bingobob]

I did that once with an Indian pickup. It was Valentines night and the missus phoned the Indian through.

So I got in the car and drove 4 miles to the restaurant. It was heaving. People waiting for takeaways, meals.

After 30 minutes I was still waiting along with about a dozen others. In the middle some guy came back and had a go at them for missing stuff. Eventually they gave everyone a free bottle of beer.

30 more minutes went. I was geeing them up, someone else came back and had a go at them. Another bottle of beer. So I went over the order again.

By now I'm having a go, people have waited. Another 30 minutes, another free beer.

Eventually they went here is your meal and handed me the bag. I hadn't paid so I did what most would do. I bolted for the door with me curry and drove home.

I got in. The missus went mental. I had been over two hours. 'Where the hell have you been?'. Well I had to drive to Hook to get it.

Hook! Hook! I ordered it from around the corner!!!!!!

We took the meal out and it was someone elses! The fact I hadn't paid and had had three free beers didn't go down well either.

So that's ofensive and aggresive behaviour, drink driving, theft and gross stupidity all in the one evening! And you got your missus a take out curry on valentines day! And you logged on here at 10pm on a Thursday night to boast about it! I'd say you're quite the special character aren't you pal!?!?

[thunderlizard]

I once managed to persuade 6 French police officers to raid a strip club looking for my wallet.

Which was in my pocket.

To be fair, they had patted me down twice beforehand and missed it both times.

I think that if I were ever called upon to pat down a man who'd just been in a strip club, I'd be inclined not to do a very thorough job either.