I'll blooming kill her

[EternalOptimist]

My wife once killed our lawn.

She bought a huge bag of lawn sand (God only knows why) and instead of following the directions (sprinkle so many grams per sq. metre) she thought she'd get her moneys-worth and use the whole bag.

When I opened the bedroom curtains the next day - the lawn was black

Everton fc once tried to grow blue grass at Goodison park. Maybe you could sell your lawn to Newcastle