Control Risks Group 29 May 2003
Summaries: Executive Update
Europe & the FSU
The World Health Organization (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about
BARS, (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).
A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The
disease, identified as BARS, affects people of many different ages.
Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect
people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate.
It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three
billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases
appearing every day. Early symptoms of the disease include an
uncontrollable urge at 5.00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage.
This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the
disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened
sexual attraction/confidence, uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing
and unprovoked arguing.
In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak
incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing
and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually
accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or
"Wanna see how fast it goes?"
If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine
yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms
have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very
short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.
Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property,
killer headaches and divorce. On the up side, there is not and probably
never will be a permanent cure.
Summaries: Executive Update
Europe & the FSU
The World Health Organization (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about
BARS, (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).
A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The
disease, identified as BARS, affects people of many different ages.
Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect
people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate.
It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three
billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases
appearing every day. Early symptoms of the disease include an
uncontrollable urge at 5.00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage.
This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the
disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened
sexual attraction/confidence, uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing
and unprovoked arguing.
In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak
incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing
and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually
accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or
"Wanna see how fast it goes?"
If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine
yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms
have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very
short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.
Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property,
killer headaches and divorce. On the up side, there is not and probably
never will be a permanent cure.
