Plan B

[AtW]

So what do you think is $700k fair?

Not enough if you end up having to burn in hell for all eternity...

[Sysman]

I did wonder about the tesco thing - not the horse meat, but the pork. If your religion prohibits eating pork it could be really upsetting.

From Charlie Brooker: A big lump of horse ran into your burger?

Waitrose, for example, offers a top-of-the-range Heston Blumenthal Lamb & Cucumber burger: £3.50 for two, so you might want to consider applying for an interest-only mortgage first. They look pretty good and I'm sure they taste magnificent – like a recently slaughtered ovine angel softly bleeding to death on to your tongue – but if you squint at the list of ingredients on the back of the packet you'll see the words "pork shoulder". Because that's what you look for in a lamb burger – lashings and lashings of pig.

Oh but sorry Muslims! Sorry Jews! You should have read the fine print. Never mind. Try escaping to the posh sausage section instead. There you'll find Heston's Duck & Sour Cherry Sausages, which sound even grander and less likely to contain anything oinky.

But hang on a minute. Ingredients: 45% duck, 39% pork shoulder, squished into a hog casing. That's a lot of pig for a duck sausage. Maybe it's a bonus, a sort of Easter egg.

What would be appropriate compensation for missing out on a place in paradise?

Getting your 72 virgins right now?