Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

Decided, for the first time, to try the Sales - it's doing my head in.
Went to Boots, they don't sell boots..
Went to Currys, they don't sell curry..
Went to Selfridges, they don't sell fridges..
And as for Virgin Megastore, what a ruddy let down that was!

[vetran]

I gave the Wife a Dart and a World map for Christmas.
What's all this about? she asked.
I explained that I was going to stick the map to the wall,
she throws the dart and wherever it landed I'll book a holiday for this summer.

Long story short... looks like we're in for two weeks behind the fridge.

[vetran]

Just bought some sage & onion flavoured condoms.

Should come in handy if I find a plump bird that wants stuffing

[vetran]

Baby Jesus was born in a stable as there was no room at the inn.

So their Premier Inns were full of illegals too then?

[vetran]

Scots businesswoman Michelle Mone has complained she is being 'treated like Pablo Escobar' as authorities investigate her for PPE fraud.

Bit harsh.

Escobar actually provided something that people could use.

[vetran]

Why is Santa Claus always smiling?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live

[vetran]

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over ?100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.
"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.
"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

[vetran]

Scientists have recently discovered that the first 2 humans on earth were actually cockneys!

Would you Adam and Eve it!

[vetran]

Bill Gates is trying to develop clean drinking water made from human waste.

The last time someone tried to make something drinkable from human waste.

We ended up with Foster's Lager...

[vetran]

Prince William stuns passers-by as he's spotted selling The Big Issue.

**** me, this cost of living crisis is getting ridiculous.