Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I'm not saying my mother-in-law's fat, but when she went for gender reassignment surgery,
the doctor told her - "what's the ******* point, you won't be able to see the thing anyway"

[vetran]

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.
I often wonder what she's up to now......

[vetran]

Eh? Aren't they usually full of contractors at the Christmas bash?

You can stretch to more than £30 a night if you take the company secretary!

[NotAllThere]

Baby Jesus was born in a stable as there was no room at the inn.

So their Premier Inns were full of illegals too then?

Eh? Aren't they usually full of contractors at the Christmas bash?

[WTFH]

Who is the fastest member of the orchestra?


The Lightning Conductor.

[WTFH]

Favourite cracker joke this year:

Why was Comet angry with his wife?

Because she went to Las Vegas and blew 50 bucks.

[vetran]

Modern politically correct version of old jokes:

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains, well you are then

[vetran]

Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It's known as the Heineken manoeuvre.

[vetran]

Decided, for the first time, to try the Sales - it's doing my head in.
Went to Boots, they don't sell boots..
Went to Currys, they don't sell curry..
Went to Selfridges, they don't sell fridges..
And as for Virgin Megastore, what a ruddy let down that was!

[vetran]

I gave the Wife a Dart and a World map for Christmas.
What's all this about? she asked.
I explained that I was going to stick the map to the wall,
she throws the dart and wherever it landed I'll book a holiday for this summer.

Long story short... looks like we're in for two weeks behind the fridge.