A silly thread

[xoggoth]

Chucked the recyclable waste from the kitchen into the recycling bin last Thursday and it included a number of election leaflets, all unread. Seriously, anyone who has not bothered to think things over for themselves and relies solely on the crap in these things should not vote at all.

Ah well, at least I did my duty by recycling - The "Green" Party should approve. Pity we can't have a big recycling bin for all the bloody politicians. I'm sure they could make something quite useful out of them, soap or dog food perhaps. While we are at, it we could chuck all those hypocritical celebrities in there as well.

[xoggoth]

Tessie's not what she was

Happened to see something about the very overweight singer Tessie O'Shea, sometimes called Two Ton Tessie or Ten Ton Tessie, who was famous way back in the 60s.

Couldn't stop thinking about her after that, she was my kind of women! To cut a long story short, I managed to persuade a local medium to contact Tessie in the afterlife and persuade her to come and indulge me with a bit of face-sitting.

Cost me about 500 quid and what a waste! I was lying there and all I got for my money was a weightless, barely visible, huge bottom that I could see the lampshade through!

Warning to any other CUKers who may be aroused by long dead celebrities, don't waste your time and money!

[xoggoth]

While on the subject of ghosts

I was volunteering at the windmill today. Didn't enjoy it very much. I usually do fairly hard work that keeps me fit but today I was just treating wooden benches with teak oil.

The benches all have a plaque "In Memory of xxxx etc." If donors have been kind enough to set up a memorial to them for doing stuff they liked doing anyway, wouldn't it be reasonable if they help to keep these benches in decent condition themselves?

A lot of people are remembered not because of what they did but simply because of who they were. Dead people like that should certainly be required to do a minimum stint as community volunteers.

[xoggoth]

You might be wondering why Boleyn is transparent but her speech bubble is opaque. I have consulted a psychic on this one and he verified that ghosts do indeed have opaque speech bubbles.

[xoggoth]

The windmill I volunteer at is one that will be depicted on a new issue of postage stamps on June 20th. As I volunteer there I am pretty annoyed that I am not shown on the stamp. Maybe my avatar could replace that boring white silhouette of the queen.

Maybe it is not too late to change the design, I have sent my suggestion to Royal Mail.

[xoggoth]

Search engines

Isn't the real world rather depressing? Maybe they should have a version of Google that only shows positive articles on links and creates fictional positive versions of anything negative. It would be an imaginary version of the world where only nice stuff ever happens - maybe they could call it the John Lennon search engine.

Or you could have a version of Google that checks your searches and filters/invents articles to suit your own preferences, whether far left, far right, religious, atheist, total loony etc. Just think how much happier we would be if we thought that the world was going our way. Maybe that would actually reduce hatred, we are bound to feel less resentful of those we dislike if we think we are winning.

Sure somebody could do it! Put yer Despicable Me Minion glasses on and get down to it atW!

[xoggoth]

Another app needed

Had an odd experience last year. I was walking through a local park and group of 13-14 year old girls started looking at me. Then they came over and started taking selfies next to me. Clearly they must have mistaken me for somebody famous but I was so surprised I didn't ask who.

There's a few celebrity look-a-likes around here. Rick Parfitt isn't dead, I regularly see him drinking with his mate at a local pub. Daniel Radcliffe is a chef at another local pub where Tony Blackburn is an occasional customer.

I would love to know who those kids thought I was. Is there a face recognition app that matches you up with the closest celebrity face?

PS No it wasn't Jimmy Saville. He was already dead at the time.
PPS Although they could have mistaken me for Jimmy Saville's corpse I suppose.

[xoggoth]

Help urgently needed

The lady friend is in the US with her daughter and has just sent me pictures of her week old grandson. I assume I am expected to respond in some enthusiastic way.

It's a baby! All babies look the same to me so I am at a loss to think of something suitably adoring to say about it.

Any ideas?

PS Maybe I could pretend it was a frog or a wasp. I can always think of nice things to say about those.

[xoggoth]

Volunteer work at windmill getting very dull and does not involve much exercise anymore so looking for something else.

Looked on a volunteer website and opportunities are all crap. If they do not involve helping out stray cats they involve helping out people - even worse! All stuff that requires you to be "patient with people", "have a friendly disposition" or be "empathetic" - whatever that means. Not me!!

Also on a police search team, lots of wandering countryside, but very rarely get callouts. Hmmm. Maybe I could find a way to increase them:

[xoggoth]

I was never much into plot and characterisation myself. If I am watching a horror film or reading a horror story and the zombie does not make an appearance in the first 3 minutes I am inclined to give up.

Yeh, I'm shallow, I know, but it seem the snowflakes are even worse, they often never get beyond the first sentence of a book:

The days of slowly introducing a reader to a novel are over. Authors now believe that their first sentence is crucial if they are going to hold their reader's attention because they are so easily distracted by modern technology such as iPads

How technology distractions are making novels' first lines even more important - Telegraph

Maybe there isn't any need to bother with anything but the first sentence. Get that right and you'll be a famous author. My next xoggoth tale is in progress but don't think I'll bother to finish it. This should do:

***, like? Yo, WTFH, ****
The End