Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

Three women, Sally, Cailin and Sandy, die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks."

They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity."

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.






ducks

[BrilloPad]

Q What does a female mathematics student wear under her sweater?
A An alge-bra.

A young woman is invited to a fancy-dress party. But when she arrives naked the bouncer says: 'I'm sorry, miss, you can't come in like that. You have to be wearing a costume.'

The woman then returns to her car and puts on some black gloves and some black shoes.

When she goes back to the party the bouncer still looks sceptical but asks: 'So, what have you come as, then?'

The young woman raises her hands and replies: 'I've come as the five of spades.'

[EternalOptimist]

or possibly

Q What does a female statistical marine biologist wear under her sweater

an algea bra






bored
bored
bored

[voodooflux]

Long, but stay with it...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie; he then
leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit
and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the
rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is
hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then
burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more
money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and
says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman",
smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm
sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and
Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very
nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and
says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear
shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think
that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie; he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has
only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he
is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating
above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered,
"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you; you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie; masses
came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I
know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit
said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You
never came back; what happened?"


"I DIED", said the Rabbit.


"NO!" said the barman, "What from?".


After a short pause. The rabbit said...









"Mixin'-me-toasties".

[EternalOptimist]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.


She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.


One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his

towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck,

followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.


She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You

see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'


So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her

towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'


'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Newcastle but I worked both sides

of the Tyne ' .

[BrilloPad]

Having a bad day?
Things Got Ya Down?
Well Then, Consider These true stories . .
..............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died
in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m.
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books,
and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Willie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
.............................

Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
.............................

Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.
.............................

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs
broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
.............................


What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


.............................
There now, Feeling Better????

[Diver]

An incredible story
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[BrilloPad]

A man turned up at a party naked but for a tiny spangled suit round one of his testicles. When asked what he had come as the man replied. 'It's obvious! A fancy dress ball.'

[BrilloPad]

Mr Smith gets an attractive new secretary, Miss Jones. One day, while taking dictation, she notices his fly is open.

'Mr Smith,' she says quietly, 'your barrack door is open.'

He doesn't understand her remark, but later he looks down and sees his zipper undone.

Deciding to have some fun, he asks: 'By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barrack door open, did you happen to see a soldier standing to attention?'

'Why no, Mr Smith,' she replies. 'All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags.'

[BrilloPad]

Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.