Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Actual label instructions on consumer products: (Yeah some of them are new!)

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS.

21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

[BrilloPad]

On a lawnmower I had was a big label which read:
"WARNING WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING- THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

We once bought a grocery store pizza and the instruction were on the
bottom, so we turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and low
and
behold the first instruction was DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!

Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily
Orifice...

My bathroom has inadequate ventilation and therefore, develops mold spots
in the lower corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed
to remove bathroom mold deposits. The directions on the product label
stated, "Only use in well ventilated areas."

Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: "Do not open here."

On a bottle of spray paint: "Do not spray in your face."

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner: For best results, start with clean bathtub
before use.

On a container of lighter fluid: WARNING: Contents flammable!

On a bottle of hand lotion: Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.

On a box of household nails: CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause
irritation!

Microwave popcorn is packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless
you open the plastic and unfold it. Direction #1 is Remove plastic.

On a television commercial that says it cleans dentures 4 times better.
Below in small print it said "Lab test: (their product) vs. water.

On a television commercial I saw it said they their denture paste was
better than any other. BELOW IT, it said in small letters, vs. using no
adhesive.

I have a full-face motorcycle helmet with a giant arrow pointing to the
front. I can only guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards,
jumped on a bike and hurt himself. This is to protect to manufacturer from
future lawsuits.

One day I went to a wall-mart out of state and I went to buy a blow dryer
when I read the warnings it said "DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"

Seen on the back of a drink bottle label: "Do not peel label off."

On a Band-Aid box: "For serious injuries, seek medical attention."

On a can of powdered infant formula: "Mix with water before serving." Like
I'm going to spoon it to my baby dry!

This stupid label was found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner: "Safe for
carpets, too!"

This label was found on the BOTTOM of a box of glass ornaments: "Do not
turn upside down."

On a box of Frosted Cheerio's, the logo, "Tastes so good this box never
closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place
tab here."

On a plastic orange juice can: "100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed
orange juice from concentrate."

I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said
"No purchase necessary - Details Inside."

Directions for eating Lunchables Nachos: Dip chips in cheese and salsa.

The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying, "Not
for highway use."

On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to use in
households with pets Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to be sprayed
directly on pets."

While working at a large medical center in the Midwest, a construction
worker was admitted with a large hammer sticking out of his head. Seems he
was in an altercation with another gentleman. On the side of the hammer
were the words, 'Use protective eyewear.'

On the back of the Pilots seat on NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A), is a sign
that states: "Seat must be facing forward for take off and landing."

On the label of Sterno (Meths?) is a warning that says, "Do not use near fire
or
flame."

Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said: "Do not spray into
electrical outlet."

Seen on an industrial size washer in our local laundry establishment was
the (large lettered) sign: "Warning: Do not put any person in this
washer."

There is also a stroller on the market with the warning, "Remove child
before folding."

I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks.
At the end of the ad in small letters it read: "Caution, do not drive
underwater.

[BrilloPad]

16 year old Stephen , a pupil at one of England's leading fee paying
schools, returned from school for his Christmas holidays in what
appeared to be some measure of discomfort. When quizzed by his mother,
he said that he had received a "low blow" during a game of rugby and was
sure that the passage of time would heal all ills.

Unfortunately this proved not to be the case and on his third day home
he was unable to walk. His mother insisted he visit the family doctor, a
demand to which the incapacitated Stephen succumbed.

On arrival at the surgery Stephen carefully removed his underwear to
reveal that his scrotum was swollen to nearly four times it's natural
size and was bruised almost entirely black with a number of small
puncture wounds to the right hand side showing clear signs of
established infection.

The doctor, realising that he was not personally equipped as a GP to
properly treat such a "sporting" injury immediately called an
ambulance to take his patient to hospital. Stephen was rushed into
hospital where he immediately underwent surgery to properly investigate
and remedy the injury.

The infection was advanced and Stephen ended up having his right
testicle removed as the infection appeared to have spread into the
gland. To his surprise, the surgeon removed what were later identified
as "a large number of brown glass splinters" from the boy's scrotum and
the highly infected (and now ex) testicle. It was the surgeon's opinion
that these had been "introduced" to Stephen's nether regions at the time
of the injury.

Realising that this was not as it had first appeared, Stephen's
mother asked what kind of assault he had been a victim of with the
intention oftaking serious issue with his not inexpensive school as to
how such an accident could occur. In an effort not to make a fuss
Stephen admitted to the following episode.

At an unofficial end of term Christmas party after lights out,
Stephen had drunkenly accepted a bet with the boys in his dorm that he
could not fit both his testicles into a medium sized Marmite jar. With
drunken confidence, and in order to win a large sum of money from his
fellow students, Stephen did indeed manage to perform the trick.

However, such is the shape of a Marmite pot that Stephen was not able
to remove the pot after winning his money. Much to the enjoyment of the
rest of the party-goers he crept off to the bathroom to try to remove
the pot. Having been unable to remove the pot for two days and in
extreme discomfort, Stephen took drastic measures and went to the empty
rest room and with a hammer smashed the pot.

Yes that's right, he smashed a glass pot from around his testicles
with a hammer! Unsurprisingly, this was not a clinical operation and
also where the damage was really done.

As they say... Marmite, you either love it or you hate it!

[BrilloPad]

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days
he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything
during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted
a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it.

Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that
moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court,
he plead innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he
didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The
judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you
to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald
eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping
crane and a spotted owl!"

[BrilloPad]

Wow! This is amazing
Try this. It's really quite amazing. Try not to cheat by looking at the
answer.
Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image...

You'll be quite amazed when it comes into view. (start as close to the
screen as you can and then move back about 30 cm)



!!!///////****\|||||{{{{{######****>>>>>>""""""x"x"&&&^^^<<< """"~??~~??{{{{{
{===**++++*****++++++++++++++?????????????/////////////%?????///////////////
//////{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{{}+++
|||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""""}}}}}}}]]]]]]]<<<<<<<%%$**)))>>?=/////////^^!~
~~~~::???))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%%%]]^*/=>><?====]]\\\\\///////*****<<<<<<<{}{
}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~@!!!~~==?????&&??===~!~!~! ~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
*)??????????%%%%*<<{{{{{{===**++++*****+++++++++++ +++?????????????//////////
///% >



Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer.
If you had trouble and didn't see it, try getting closer to the screen and
relax your eyes.


Scroll down to compare the answer to what you saw.












It's...................









NOTHING, you stupid twat, get back to work. I can't believe you fell for
that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose against
the monitor!

[BrilloPad]

Clones are people two

As I said before, I never repeat myself

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

Why put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

Reread carefully to make sure you don't out a word

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

So what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got 'em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose.

[BrilloPad]

2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume
counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and
smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's
it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is
French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm
to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does
that smell like come to you?"

[BrilloPad]

DIY - Tool Definitions, sadly all true

Hammer

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we
are trying to hit.

Mechanics knife

Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons; works
particularly well on boxes containing newly trimmed seats and other
expensive soft furnishings.

Electric drill

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age, but works better when drilling holes in floor pans, particularly
above fuel tanks.

Hacksaw

One of a family of tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course the more dismal your future becomes.

Pliers

Used to round off bolt heads and when nothing else is available, excellent
for transferring intense welding heat to the palm of your hand

Oxyacetylene Torch

Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in the
garage or vehicle no matter how much care you took to remove everything
beforehand.

Drill press

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across
the garage, splattering it all over that freshly painted part.

Rotary Wire wheel

Cleans rust off old bolts then throws them somewhere under the bench at
the speed of light. Also removes flesh in about the time it takes to
shout, "Ouc...."

Bolt & Stud extractor

A tool that snaps off in engine blocks and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.

Body filler spatula

Theoretically a useful kitchen tool for spreading mayonnaise in sandwiches
which seems to end up spreading filler, but mainly useful for scraping
doggy poo off your boots.

Timing light

A stroboscopic instrument excellent for illuminating oil and grease build
up.

Hydraulic Engine hoist

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps, wiring and
throttle linkages.

12" Long Screwdriver

A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester

A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from the battery across the
bodywork into the toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
doornail, just as you thought.

Inspection Light

The mechanics own tanning booth, it is a good source of Vitamin D, the
sunshine vitamin not otherwise found when working under Jaguars. Its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate as 105mm
howitzer shells in the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver

Normally used to stab lids of old oil cans and splash oil all over your
shirt, but also to round off Phillips screw heads.

[BrilloPad]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
I thought so," he says.
"Your finger is broken."

[BrilloPad]

Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.