Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register
for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAYNE GO
TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one
individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl...

"I just use their surnames"

[BrilloPad]

DAGENHAM - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic
market down 11 percent since 1996, Ford unveiled a new instant-win airbag
contest on Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all
of the company's 2001 cars.

"Car accidents have never been so exciting," said Ford vice-president of
marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 2001 sales
significantly. "When you play the new Ford Instant Win Airbag Game, your
next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to the FA Cup Final in
Cardiff, or a year's worth of free Esso Unleaded."

Though it does not officially begin until Feb. 1, 2001, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to
myself,'Oh, boy, this could be it - I could be a big winner!'" said
Cambridge's Bernard Freeman, who lost his wife but won £50 on Sunday when
the Escort Si they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed
into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment,
I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood
and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Plymouth resident Peter Noods, speaking from
his hospital bed, where he is listed in critical condition with severe
brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed
four cars trying to win those Cup Final tickets, but I still haven't won.
I swear, I'm going to win those tickets-even if it kills me!"

Noods said that as soon as he is well enough, he plans to buy a new Mondeo
LX and drive it into a tree.

Ford officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. "In the past, nobody really liked car crashes, and
that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and,
sometimes, even fatal," Ford CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you
drive a new Ford car or Iveco truck, your next serious crash could mean
serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is
killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to Ford's official contest rules, odds of winning the
grand prize, a brand new 2001 Ford Focus Cosworth, are 1 in 43,000,000.

Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious
car accident in the first place-approximately 1 in 720,000 - the actual
odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in
31 trillion."

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee
the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in
my new Galaxy," said Cardiff resident Dick Yaknasty. "My car was
totalled, and because it was the side of my car that got
hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is
the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his
2001 Mondeo, won a £100 gift certificate. That's just wrong."

[BrilloPad]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can
prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise
shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that
he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to
Washington."

And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour
and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin,
what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not
totally convinced. After they leave the White House
grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who
again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and
I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the
Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with
the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin
returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to
his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
man next to me said, "Who the f**k's that on the
balcony with Colin?"

[BrilloPad]

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon
after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few months later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her
second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also
dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally
together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do
you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second
husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[BrilloPad]

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what
drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on
almost all counts.

The results:

IF WOMEN DRINK:

Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually
has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.

Drink : Baileys.
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and
naked.
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.

IF MEN DRINK:

Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid

Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf.
Desperate
to get laid.

Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to
get laid.

Whisky : He doesn't give two tulips about anything and will hit
anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all
about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.)to weasel himself into
getting laid.

Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay
(Blatantly).

[BrilloPad]

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me
$50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing.....!"

[BrilloPad]

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They
were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But
the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk;
you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot
had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and
capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six
aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little
plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know
where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place
where we crashed last year..."

[BrilloPad]

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the Workers spoke among themselves, saying "This is a crock
of tulip and it stinks."
And the Workers went to their Supervisors and said "It is a pail
of dung and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went to their Managers, saying "It is a
container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may
abide it."
And the Managers went to their Directors, saying "It is a vessel
of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one
another; "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is
very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto
them "It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto
him "This new plan will actively promote growth and vigour of
the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became policy.
And that is how tulip happens.

[BrilloPad]

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was
placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of
flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and
eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart
opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just
then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

[BrilloPad]

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was
leaving for the crusades and called one of his squires. "I'm leaving
for the crusades. I'm entrusting you with the key to my wife's
chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the
key."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and
takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across
the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Sire. Thank goodness I was able
to catch you. This is the wrong key."