Please put more jokes here - Page 85

Denny · 24th January 2008, 09:25

There are 101 types of people in this world:

those who love binary,
those that hate binary,
those who don't watch television,
those who don't read,
those that don't read or watch television.

I'mFree · 24th January 2008, 11:35

12 men and 1 woman were Shipwrecked on a desert island.

Denny · 24th January 2008, 13:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by BA to the Stars

BUSINESS PHILOSOPHY

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a
riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are
part of a Democracy.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

GORDON'S NEW LABOUR GOVERNMENT:

You have no cows, but you have hypothetical MOO and are taxed accordingly.

BrilloPad · 24th January 2008, 19:33

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three cold Guinness Stouts please."
So the bartender brings him three cold brews and the man proceeds to
alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He
then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order
three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you
a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia
and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night
we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness
Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in
and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like
to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

BrilloPad · 24th January 2008, 19:33

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the
welcoming ceremony the boss says: `You`re all part of our team now. You can
earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to
eat. Just don`t trouble the other employees`. The cannibals promise not to
trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: `You`re all working very hard,
and I`m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared
however. Do any of you know what happened to her?` The cannibals denied all
knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others
`Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?` A hand raises hesitantly, to which
the leader of the cannibals says `You fool! For four weeks we`ve been eating
Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!`

BrilloPad · 24th January 2008, 19:34

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the
necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make
a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice
boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite
end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her
hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"

BrilloPad · 24th January 2008, 19:35

SIGNS SPOTTED AROUND THE WORLD

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate
with their English-speaking tourists.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE
HIM WITH VIGOR

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED.

Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO
SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTIS

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM
ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF
ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN
THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE
COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

And in Hitchin, Hertfordshire, on a fence
BEWARE OF FENCE

BrilloPad · 24th January 2008, 20:05

> TECHNOLOGY
>
> Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping
> sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The two
> others look astonished. "Oh", he says, "I have a microchip under the skin
> of my arm and that's my pager."
>
> A moment later there is a ringing sound. The second man lifts his arm to
> his ear and starts talking. When he is done he explains, "I have a
> microchip in my arm and that's my mobile phone."
>
> The third man feels somewhat left out and steps out of the sauna. After a
> few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper sticking out from
> between his buttocks. The two others look astonished. "Oh, I'm just
> getting a Fax" he explains.

BrilloPad · 24th January 2008, 20:06

From Daily Express 06/09/01

If you're going to rob banks, at least find out what they do. David Potchen,
39, stormed into Centier Bank in Lowell, Indiana, the other day armed with a
shotgun and demanding two Big Macs. Bank workers hit the panic button and
soon the building was surrounded by cops.

"We don't know what's inside his head," Mike Arredondo, the local sheriff,
told reporters as a tense siege played out.

The four-hour standoff finally ended when police gave the robber two Big
Macs. He surrended peacefully. And full.

BrilloPad · 24th January 2008, 20:06

Why do the French eat so much garlic?

So the deaf and blind can hate them as well.