Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Two women waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you
die?" the first woman asked the second. "I froze to death," said the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first woman.
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's
a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're
sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the
first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I
showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found him alone,
watching tv. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran
up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as
I could to the attic, and just as I got there I had a massive heart attack
and died. The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says.
"What do you mean?" asked the first woman. "If you had only stopped to look
in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[meridian]

Originally Posted by blatant_pimp

Not to be outdone by the Scots, British scientists

I'm confused

[BrilloPad]

> An interesting historical piece circa 1943 "Guide to Hiring Women".
>
> The following is from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This
> was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force
> during World War II.
>
> Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards,
> this
> is hilarious ...
>
> Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:
>
> There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women
> for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled
> that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient
> women
> available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven
> helpful
> tips on the subject from Western Properties:
>
> 1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of
> responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be
> flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still
> have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public
> efficiently.
>
> 2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked
> outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never
> contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined
> to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women
> the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
>
> 3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just
> a
> little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their
> underweight sisters.
>
> 4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical
> examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects
> the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether
> the
> employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or
> physically unfit for the job.
>
> 5. Stress at the outset the importance of time; the fact that a minute
> or
> two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this
> point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
>
> 6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so
> that
> they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every
> few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers
> when
> they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in
> finding work themselves.
>
> 7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to
> another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous
> and happier with change.
>
> 8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day.
> You
> have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more
> confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply
> fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
>
> 9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women
> are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do.
> Never
> ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
>
> 10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women.
> Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow
> to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
>
> 11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can
> have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women
> happy.

[BrilloPad]

New Vocabulary Words

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when you come at them rapidly.

6) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been
abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

7) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself
that leads to sex.

8) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

9) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come
to visit.

[BrilloPad]

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to
be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said "There is a drug around called "beer" and it
is generally in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual
predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All
girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered
helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb
to desires to perform sex acts on horrific looking women whom they would
never normally be attracted to.

Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly
what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that
something bad occurred.

Please! Forward this to every male you know. If you fall victim to this
insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male
support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details
of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of
similarly-affected like-minded guys.

For the nearest support group near you just look up 'Public House' in the
Yellow Pages

[BrilloPad]

A boy and his granddad are going to the betting shop when they get there the
boy asks his granddad if he will put a bet on for him. his granddad asks "can
your dick reach round and touch your ass" "no" says the boy "well I won't put
your bet on then" replies the granddad. The granddad goes into the betting
shop and the boy goes into the newsagent next door.
A minute later the boy runs out with a scratch card in his hand shouting
"I've won 50'000 pounds" the granddad runs out of the betting shop and speaks
to the boy "well I'll have half and you have half" he says. The boy asks "can
your dick reach round and touch your ass" says the boy "yes" says the
granddad. "Well go fluck yourself then"

[BrilloPad]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
__ ___________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[BrilloPad]

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with
Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for
him to take an aptitude test.

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed
at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail
address, so that I can send you a form to complete and
tell you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a
computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager
replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually
don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be
employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25
lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less
than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually
at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times
more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going
to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he
could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he
multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport
several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade
it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to
support his expanding business. By the end of the
second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up
trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former
unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he
decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an
insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone
conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents
electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser
is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth
have you managed to amass such wealth without the
Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you
would be now, if you had been connected to the internet
from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire
replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at
Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to
rule your life.

2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can
still become a millionaire.

3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're
probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to
becoming a millionaire.

4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have
already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

[BrilloPad]

> Mick and Paddy are out in the country shooting rabbits. Suddenly, right in
> front of his friend Paddy, Mick falls to the ground, throws a quick spasm,
> then lies perfectly still. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
> rolled back in his head. In fact, he looks pretty well dead!
>
> Quick as a flash, a horrified Paddy whips out his mobile and calls 999.
>
> He gasps breathlessly to the operator... "Mick just fell to the ground
> right here in front o' me! He's not breathing. He has no heartbeat! I tink
> he's dead! What can I do?"
>
> Well accustomed to this sort of situation however, the emergency operator
> responds with her most soothing tone... "Okay Paddy, you must try to stay
> calm. If there's anything can be done, we'll do it. But you will have to
> keep your cool, then we can take it one step at a time! Okay now?"
>
> "Sure! Sure! Of course, your right. I'm fine. Just tell me what must I
> do?"
>
> "Great! Now first of all, lets make sure he's dead." ....The line goes
> silent, then a shot is heard.....
>
> Paddy's voice comes back down the network.... "OK! What next?"

[mailric]

i've bought windows vista.... with office 2007