Please put more jokes here

[darmstadt]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but alw ays promised not to take a case if he felt he
couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he
gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various
tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help
you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy
some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you,
sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in
your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her
like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the
doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and
more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the
good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take
the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a packet of Hula Hoops."

[darmstadt]

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.

I didn't know what to make of it.

[darmstadt]

Albert was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when
he came into
the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two
people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just
tell Albert the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Albert just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with
the other kids.

A few minutes later Albert came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it isn't called
sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants
to talk to you."

[darmstadt]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City ...

...and went to find the Great Wizard

' What brings the four of you before the great Wi zard of Oz? '

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

'I've come for some courage.'

' No Problem!' said the Wizard. 'Who is next?'
Richard Nixon stepped forward and said:

'Well, I think I need a heart.'
'Done!' says the Wizard.

'Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?'
Up stepped Bush and said,

'The American people say that I need a brain.'
'No problem,' said the Wizard. 'Consider it done.'

Then there is a great silence in the hall
BILL CLINTON stands there, looking around, not saying a word.
The irritated Wizard finally asks,
'Well, what do YOU want?!'

'Is Dorothy here??'

[darmstadt]

A woman went to the A & E , where she was seen by a young new
doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told
her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the
corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat
her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the
first doctor's room. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman
is 63 years old, she has two grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?!!
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?

[darmstadt]

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store

One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o'the brandy.

"Siister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack, she responded, it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was plastered

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed,

"Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied,

"And so it is, me lad, so it is...When she sees me, she's gonna crap herself!"

[darmstadt]

1. Open a 'new file' in your computer.

2. Name it, 'Gordon Brown.'

3. Send it to the 'trash.'

4. Empty the 'trash.'

5. Your computer will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of
'Gordon
Brown?'

6. Firmly, Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

Next week we'll do David Cameron

[darmstadt]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and
tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for
the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're
disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had
a cupla drrrinks But thiss other guy got ssick on me...hehad one too many
and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me
twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

[BrilloPad]

"Ten Things Men Shouldn't Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret"

10. Does this come in children's sizes?

9. No thanks. Just sniffing.

8. I'll be in dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this.

6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it up, I'll wear it.

4. Will you model this for me?

3. The miracle what????? This is better than World Peace.

2. 75 BUCKS!?!?!?!?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!

1. Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

[blatant_pimp]

Having dug to a depth of 10 meters, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 200 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 300 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," reported: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Dighe, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy concluded that 400 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."