Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands
when his car broke down.
There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the
door.
The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has broken down," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail
yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Jeannie," shouted
the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his
beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and
remember to uphold our
great tradition of Highland hospitality."
The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had
indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk
the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our
world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about
seducing the lovely daughter.
In no time at all he had her on the floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with
rage.
He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to
his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he
roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold
floor.

[BrilloPad]

suffer from a severe stutter, which must have mad conversation difficult....

"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the
Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui
gui................."

Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th
th.................."

Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone
else.

She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th
ththth...........".

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can
answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident
that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.

"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch
Manch."

"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she
asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.

"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."

"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.

"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the
landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra
exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs
into bed.

Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at
the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out



"...............- D D D D D Derry!!"

[BrilloPad]

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco
to LA. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along
the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be
a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft,
the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who
was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by
and could tell the blind man had flown before because
his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in
front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith
could also tell he had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached him, and calling him by
name, said "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an
hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith
replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his
legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to
a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and
saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye
dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
they were trying to change airlines!

[BrilloPad]

Do any of these sound familiar?

WORDS OF WISDOM


I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.


I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying
by.


Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.


Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.


Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing
him again.


I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.


My reality cheque bounced.


On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.


I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.


Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot.
They'll drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

[BrilloPad]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS? (because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON? (they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? ( because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapour lock)

8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE? (it is sex with someone they love)

9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE? (so he can tell if he's coming or going)

12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know...... it never happened)

[BrilloPad]

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
----------------------------------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES. PART GERMAN SHEPHERD -
PART STUPID DOG
--------------------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
---------------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT.
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
******************************************
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
---------------------------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-------------------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE.
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
-------------------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS
OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
AUTO.
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 .
---------------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
---------------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
---------------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
---------------------------------------
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
89 cents .
---- -----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
----------------------------------------
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3
BR
2 BATH HOME.
----------------------------------------
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
----------------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 .
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE.
----------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING.
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
----------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS.
-----------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER .
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
-----------------------------------------
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL.
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
------------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
------------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
SLIGHTLY STAINED .
-------------------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
-------------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG.
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED.
$100
---------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF
100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER.
$300.
----------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
----------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO
REMEMBER.
----------------------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE.
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON.
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
-----------------------------------------------
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
-----------------------------------------------
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN.
* $2.09 lb.
-----------------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA.
45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION.
$1,000.00 OR BEST OFFER. NO LONGER NEEDED. GOT
MARRIED LAST WEEKEND. WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
-----------------------------------------------

[BrilloPad]

At degrees Fahrenheit:

60:
California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one).

50:
Miami residents turn on the heat.

45:
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.

40:
You can see your breath.
California residents shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesota residents go swimming.

35:
Italian cars don't start.

32:
Water freezes.

30:
You plan your vacation to Australia.

25:
Ohio water freezes.
California residents weep pitiably.
Minnesota residents eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming.

20:
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further south.

15:
French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10:
You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5:
American cars don't start.

0:
Alaska residents put on T-shirts.

-10:
German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15:
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansas residents stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.

-20:
Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesota residents shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.

-25:
Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30:
You plan a two-week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.

-40:
California residents disappear.
Minnesota residents button top button.
Canadians put on sweaters.
Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50:
Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaska residents close the bathroom window.

-80:
Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move south.
Green Bay Packers fans order hot cocoa at the game.
AND AT:

-90:
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

[BrilloPad]

For those who are unaware, there is a slight difference between

private schools and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of

Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam

papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name _____________________________

Nickname _____________________________

Gang Name _____________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for

300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid a gram, what is the street

value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs

per day must each bitch perform to support Damo's GBP500 a day coke

habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000

quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If

his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be

left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will

Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the

average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with

eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of

35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20

seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets

whacked?





MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS



Name______________________________________________ ____________________

__________________________________________________ ____________________

__________________________________________________ ____________________

(If longer, please continue on separate sheet)

School ___________________________________

Daddy's Company __________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's Bentley, causing X amount of damage

and killing three people. The old man asks his local QC to intervene

in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a

payment of Y. If the difference between x and y is three times the

life insurance settlement for the three dead people, and if their life

assurance policies were equal to four times their salaries, how many

years would each of the dead people have had to have worked in order

to afford the car that Harry's old man is now buying?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and

own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In

the course of a month she saves the price of a return Club Class

ticket to Fiji. How much has she saved? Assuming a thirteen-week term,

how many weeks' worth of school fees at Winchester would this cover?

3. Today is the 8th of June. Tristram fancies Alice, Joanna, Emily,

Sophie, Claudia, Becky and Harriet, but he only has enough Rohypnol

left to render two of them unconscious. If each Rohypnol costs GBP 17,

and if his monthly allowance is GBP 400 and he has fixed outgoings of

GBP 320, and if it takes six Rohypnol to leave each girl unconscious,

by what date will he have shagged all seven girls?

4. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a

size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks,

she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. In percentage

terms, what is the discrepancy between the two brands' sizes? In your

estimation, how much does she need to save for liposuction?

5. Bertie is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies

women. On the other days he fancies men, sheep, ducks and vacuum

cleaners. However, he only has access to the Hoover every third week.

If each day spent in sexual frustration costs Bertie GBP 25 in cheap

whores, what would be his annual return on investment to two decimal

places should he buy his own Hoover

[BrilloPad]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,
"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people
will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and
some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory
of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with
just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he
says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity.
How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[BrilloPad]

Kev boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up
and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realises she is
heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes
over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to
strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states. Whoa !!! He swallows hard
and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he
has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks
AWhat's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the
most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she
says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your
name!"
"Tonto," Kev says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."