Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Why are the letters A, B, C, D,E,F used for bra sizes?

A. Almost boobs
B. Barely there
C. Can live with these
D. Damn good
E. Enormous
F. Fake

[BrilloPad]

A trucker, who has been out on the road for three weeks, stops at a brothel. He hands the madam £500 and says: 'I want your ugliest woman and a spam sandwich.'The Madam is astonished 'But sir, for £500 you can have one of my finest ladies and a three course meal,' she says. The trucker replies: 'Listen, I'm not horny, I'm homesick.'

[BrilloPad]

The strange tale of the bronze cat

One day, an Englishman walked into an antiques shop in London. Looking
around he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat. The sculpture
is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the
price.

"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and 100
pounds for the story that goes with it."

"I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep your story." The
transaction completed, the Englishman leaves the store with the bronze
cat in his arms.

As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live cats emerge
from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his
shoulder he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another
alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two
blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people begin to
point and shout. He walks even faster and soon breaks out into a trot
as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, vacant lots and
abandoned cars.

Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and he sees the waterfront at
the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No
matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up hissing insanely, now not
just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to
the waters edge a trail of cats several blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a light post, grasping it with one
arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the river Thames. Clinging to
the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats
surges over the banks of the river, where they all drown.

Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antiques
shop. "Ah, so you’ve come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.

"No." says the Englishman, "I was wondering if you have a bronze asylum
seeker."

[BrilloPad]

Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the
million pound question.

Chris Tarrent says "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and
remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a) a
badger b) a ferret c) a mole or d) a cuckoo?"

Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.

I'll have to go 50-50."

Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what
you're left with. 'Badger' and 'cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

"So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris. "Hmmm..." ponders
Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrent phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrent from 'Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your
help he could win one million pounds.

The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's".

"Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives
in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks
without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Fergie. "Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent.It's a
badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
Final answer."

"Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one million
pounds!!"

Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble
giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the f**k did you know
that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.

"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in
a clock."

[BrilloPad]

How to get posted to traffic duty...

The following story relates to an incident that occurred in Nigeria when four
policemen were hired to provide security at a wedding.

A police spokesman said "As is customary after the service, the officers
took out their guns and fired shots into the air as a mark of respect to the
new couple. But, possibly due to the influence of alcohol, their aim was
slightly beserk, and they very much appear to have accidentally shot and
killed Mr Okonkwo (the groom) and his wife, along with the organist, another
man who was representing the father-in-law, and someone who hadn't even been
invited.

"Of course we take this matter very seriously, and if we can find out which
of the four policemen fired the fatal shots, take it from me, this will be
the last wedding he attends for some time. From now on, it will be traffic
duty only for him"

(with thanks to Private Eye no.1057)

[BrilloPad]

A Connecticut man's shaving cream disguise dripped off his face during a
failed raid on a shop. Mickey Lyman has pleaded guilty to assault,
risking injury to a child and unlawful restraint after the raid on the
shop in Rockville. The 44-year-old entered the shop wearing the shaving
cream disguise and brandishing a starter pistol. Shop owner Shahab Mirza
said: "In a second we recognised him." Lyman is a regular customer.

A US magician's been arrested in Japan for allegedly trying to smuggle a
large amount of cannabis inside his juggling balls. Terence David Shaird
began performing one of his tricks when custom officials asked him to open
his bags at Narita Airport. The officials became suspicious and found a
kilogram of the drug inside two balls.

A pair of Siamese twins have found love with the same man. Cape Town's
Karen and Nikki Stafford have both settled down with trucker Ron Bullock.
"Nikki loves Ron's romantic side," said Karen. "And he makes me laugh."
Ron is equally complimentary. "Being with both Nikki and Karen is like
love in stereo."

An American TV executive has admonished viewers for ignoring adverts.
Jamie Kellner, chairman of Turner Broadcasting, complained that by
skipping the adverts, "you're actually stealing programming. Your contract
with the network is that you're going to watch the advertising spots."

Los Angeles school teacher Tracy Niederkirk has been fired after stripping
naked in an anatomy class. She claimed she was merely pointing out the
finer details of the female body.

A Belgian butcher has developed a salami containing surprise gifts for
children. Alain Fontain says he is hoping to rival the success of Kinder
surprise chocolate eggs.

An Indian woman has married a statue. Reports say the 21-year-old
convinced her father to buy the statue of Krishna when she saw it in a
shop in Mathura. The woman named by Sify News as Premlata from Kadaura
village then convinced her parents she wanted to marry it.

Two airline pilots have been charged with being drunk in charge of an
aircraft at Miami International Airport. The America West pilots were
ordered to return to the airport terminal moments before takeoff. Police
say security screeners had noticed a whiff of alcohol on the men when they
tried to bring cups of coffee through the checkpoint.

Tony Bennett and his group Active Resistance to Metrication, carried out a
three-year campaign against Lee Valley Regional Park Authority. In
December anti-metric activists damaged about 15 signs in the 10,000 acre
park which stretches from Ware in Herts, to the East India Dock Basin in
east London. The park has now admitted it had been wrong to change
footpath signs from imperial to metric.

Percy, a border collie mix dog, is running for Congress in Florida
againstSecretary of State Katherine Harris. The write-in candidate in
theRepublican primary has his own official website
www.percyforcongress.org which states: "Percy, District 13's only black
white candidate, fluent in Spanish, is a strong believer in cross culture,
cross species interface, and has vowed, if elected, to support programmes
that foment these ideals."

Paul Gordon-Saker, a partner in London law firm Stephenson Harwood, has
issued a writ seeking libel damages from Diners' Club after his card was
turned down by an exclusive London fashion store when he tried to buy a
dress for his wife. Gordon-Saker claims that this amounted to libel
because it erroneously suggested he did not have sufficient credit with
the company to meet the £380 cost of the dress.


The FBI and New Orleans police are looking for people who took bags of
money that fell out of the back of an armoured van. The Intertrust
Armored Services vehicle had exited a motorway when its back door opened
and the money dropped out. The driver didn't realise at first what had
happened and continued his journey.

Christopher Antus was arrested while wearing the bright orange shirt which
read: "Fugitive. You never saw me." Indiana State police Trooper Jerrod
Patty spotted the shirt after pulling the car over for allegedly drifting
off the roadway. When he checked the names of the passengers in the car,
he discovered an arrest warrant was out for Antus

Two Canadian otters at the National Sea Life Sanctuary in Oban, Scotland
have been placed under 24-hour protection from aggressive local otters who
are confused by their "foreign accents," a newspaper reported Wednesday.
Though almost twice the size of their wild Scottish relatives, the pair
are disadvantaged by their foreign accents and scent. Dialects are common
in animal communications, but because of the differences in the sounds
they make it will be difficult for these Canadian otters to communicate
with the native ones," Matthew Evans, an animal communications expert from
Stirling University, was quoted as saying. There is no doubt dropping two
foreign otters into a territory of wild locals would lead to the local
ones beating the living daylights out of the new ones"

[BrilloPad]

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off his
itinerary to visit the wild West coast of Northland on an impromptu
sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an
enormous commotion heard just off a headland.

He rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope
noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a gold football
jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty
foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing black football
tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men
took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it
instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Aussie from the water
and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the
bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark
and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic shouting from the shore.

It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them
reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and
said:
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there
were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia & New
Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can
see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and
could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed
them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others: 'Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows flip all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

[BrilloPad]

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived
a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a
particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very
nasty rumors!"
The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of
you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded
'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty
party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal
followers."
Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know
how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that
you were a wizard under the sheets."

[BrilloPad]

Saving the airline industry!

Letter to the Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington
D.C. 20591

Dear Sirs,

I've had a lot of time on my hands of late and believe that I may have the
solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time we just might
get the Airline industry back on its feet.

Here's my plan: Since Muslim men are not allowed to look at naked or
nearly naked women, we should replace all of our female flight
attendants with strippers. Muslims would not get on the planes for
fear of seeing a naked or nearly naked woman. Of course every
businessman in this country would start flying again in
anticipation of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
screeching halt and the airline industry would probably have record sales.
Hell, I'd fly all over just for the scenery. It truly puzzles me that
congress didn't already come up with this. Am I the only one
who thinks clearly on these issues?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[BrilloPad]

> Eye Surgeon
> There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she
> started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a
> painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
> After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was
> restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her
> gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
> Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she
> had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest
> work of art: the doctor's office.
> During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and
> asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly
> painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
> To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a
> gynecologist.'"