Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Cherie Blair arrived for an unannounced visit at a Mental Institution. As she approached the main building she was struck by the beauty of the gardens and stopped to take in the view. She spotted a man pottering among the flowers and shrubs. She called him over. "I say. Is all this your work?"

"Yes, madam it is."

"Are you the only gardener?"

"Gardener, madam? I'm a patient. I am unpaid"

"A patient? Good grief. This doesnt look like the work of......."

"A madman, madam? Well I'm not. I've been trying to tell them for twenty years. I wish you could put a good word in for me."

"Oh I, will, I will. I think it's scandalous that a sane man should be kept in one of these places. Shocking."

"Are you sure you'll tell them, madam?"

"Absolutely. Of course I will. Oh I'm so angry. Of course I'll get you out of here."

She turned and and headed purposefully towards the building. Suddenly a house brick hit her on the back of the head. She screamed and turned...

"You wont forget to tell them, madam, will you?"

[BrilloPad]

There's this lorry driver taking a load of bricks from Leeds to Luton. When he gets the bricks unloaded at the Luton site, it seems that there's one brick left over. 'I'm not having it', says the foreman, 'I don't want your firm coming back saying I've cheated them'. So the lorry driver shrugs, puts the single brick back on his lorry and heads back up to Leeds. On the way, he comes to a railway bridge and thinks, 'Aye aye, I know what to do'. So he gets out of the cab and chucks the spare brick off the bridge. He gets back to Leeds about 7:30pm
There was this vicar sitting with his faithful old Golden Retriever in a train compartment, and a big fat farmer walked in, sat down and lit this great big smelly old pipe. The vicar put up with it for as long as he could, but eventually the fumes got so strong, he said to the farmer, 'Excuse me, do you think we might have the window open?' 'Don't you bloody well touch that window, you booger', said the farmer, and puffed some more on his pipe. So the vicar sat back, but tears soon started streaming from from his eyes, and the dog started whimpering, so he asked again: 'I'm sorry, but this is a non-smoking compartment, do you mind if I open the window a little?' 'Bollocks', said the farmer, and puffed on his smelly old pipe even more. Finally, the vicar couldn't stand it any longer, so his stood up and snatched the pipe out of the farmer's mouth, slid open the window, and lobbed the pipe out of it. The farmer went ballistic. 'You booger!' he shouted and grabbed the vicar's Golden Retriever, and shoved it bodily out of the window. The vicar and the farmer shouted at each other for a while, but then the farmer, being an animal lover under a lot of stress really, realised that the dog might very well be injured. At the next station he said to the vicar, 'Look I'm sorry, Father, I've been stressed with this Foot'n''Mouth and everything. Let's go and have a look for your dog.' So they both got out, went down to the end of the train, and looked back down the track. Yes - there it was! The vicar's faithful Golden Retriever! But as it got closer, they could see that it had something in its mouth. 'I don't bloody believe it,' said the farmer.
'Where did it get that brick from?'

[BrilloPad]

A man who was trying to shake a wasp out of his trousers was hit
in the chest by shovel-wielding friend who thought that he had
put his pick axe through a live cable and was being electrocuted.
Dan Griffiths, 27, of Leeds, suffered a dislocated shoulder but
was not stung.

The Times 27/6/02

[BrilloPad]

Ron Atkinson Classics

"He can't speak Turks, but you can tell he's delighted."

"The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the
next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."

"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's
nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a
bit different. They are both called Steve."

"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.
But leukemia is worse still. Probably."

"Despite his white boots, he has real pace and
aggression."

"Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their
late 20s or 30s and sometimes not even then. Or so it
would appear. To me anyway. Don't you think the same?"

"The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who
was left out of the starting line-up today. There were
others as well."

"The ref was vertically 15 yards away. He has a
moustache."

"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's
fans are second to none."

"The tide is very much in our court now."

"It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time
there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card. I'm talking
metaphysically now of course."


"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool
dressing room at half-time. And not for the reasons that
you're thinking of Clive."

"The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise
they could win this match or lose it or draw it even."

"I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than
Maradona. You seen the pictures as well Clive. Like an
acorn I tells ya, just like an acorn."


"I know what is around the corner. I just don't know
where the corner is."

"You can't do better than go away from home and get a
draw."

"...using his strength. And that is his strength, his
strength. You could say that that's his strong point."

"Chile have three options - they could win or they could
lose. It's up to them, the tide is in their court now."


"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same
today, except that it's totally different. The red light
district is still the same mind you.

"Though it's a lot bigger. And more expensive. I prefer
Hamburg, more variety. There are these ladies there with
fully formed moustaches, know what I mean."

"Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and
there's no higher praise than that."

A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the
arm - and it nearly came off."

"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down
very early in the game."

"That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely
wrong."

"I think Ron will be pulling him off at half time and no
mistakin'."

"You'd think the Moroccans would have learnt their lesson
by now. You can't win games without scoring goals."

"You'd think the Cameroonians would have learnt their
lesson now. You can't get very far with such brutal
tackles. It's just not cricket you know."

[BrilloPad]

> A Boy and his dad are at a drugstore. They walk past the condom display
> and the boy asks, "Dad what are those for?" The dad replies, "Son they're
> for safe sex."
> The little boy then asks why one box has only 3 condoms. The dad answers,
> "Because that is for high school boys. One for Friday night, one for
> Saturday night, and one for Sunday night." The boy then inquires why
> another box has 6 condoms. The dad explains that it is for college boys. 2
> for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday night. The boy
> sees another box of condoms with 12 and asks his dad why. The dad says,
> "Son that is for married men. One for January, one for February....

[BrilloPad]

> A man is feeling very ill, so he goes to see his doctor and is immediately
> rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a
> private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is
> your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found
> you have an extremely nasty Sexually Transmitted Disease!" "Oh my God,
> doctor! What are you going to do?" "Well, we're going to put you on a diet
> of pizzas, pancakes and pitta bread." "Will that cure me?" "Well no, but
> it's the only food we can get under the door."

[BrilloPad]

> A coach load of Scousers goes screaming into a sharp bend on an icy night
> and every one dies. At the golden gates to heaven St. Peter opens one gate
> and is horrified to see 40 of Liverpool's best wanting to come in. "I
> can't just let you in, I've got to check with the boss" and goes to check
> with God. Imagining halos being
> used as frisbees, angels with missing wings and worse he sends St. Peter
> back saying "send 'em all back but if you must, let the first 5 in. Ten
> minutes later
> St. Peter returns panicking "God, They've gone!!" "What, all forty?" "No.
> The gates!"

[BrilloPad]

> A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
> with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell
> and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
> since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because
> they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these
> pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes
> back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now
> my farts...although still silent...stink terribly." The doctor says,
> "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your
> farting."
>

[BrilloPad]

>This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for 40
>years.
>
>The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of
>farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his
>wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for
>air.
>
>Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
>because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and
>that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor; she was
>concerned that one day he would blow his guts outs.
>
>The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
>
>Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
>dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
>where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and
>all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took
>the bowl and went upstairs where her hubby was sound asleep and
>gently pulling back the bed covers she pulled back the elastic
>waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into
>his shorts.
>
>Some time later she heard her husband waken with this usual
>trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
>sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
>
>The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
>laughing; tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she
>had got her own back.
>
>About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
>bloodstained underpants with a looked of horror on his face. She bit
>her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
>
>He said, "Honey, you were right.
>All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
>
>"What do you mean," asked his wife.
>
>"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
>guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God,
>some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back
>in."
>

[BrilloPad]

Bank staff in Japan led an armed robber into its vault - then locked him
inside. The man armed with a knife demanded cash from staff at the UFJ
bank in Tsu on Honshu island. Staff say they played along with his demand
and led him to the vault. They say they made their move when the man,
thought to be a Brazilian, "dropped his guard".

Scotland has the highest concentration of UFO sightings on the planet,
according to figures released Monday. VisitScotland said around 300
"Unidentified Flying Objects" per year are spotted in Scotland - 0.004
UFOs for every square kilometre of Scotland - a rate four times as high as
in France or Italy, this planet's other UFO hotspots. The 2,000 UFOs are
spotted every year in the United States represent just 0.0002 sightings
per square kilometre. "This confirms that Scotland is the nearest thing
there is to the Costa del Sol for aliens," a VisitScotland spokesman said.

The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, based in San Francisco, ruled on
Tuesday that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional. It said said
the words "one nation under God" (added by Congress in 1954) violated the
First Amendment's Establishment Clause, which requires a separation of
church and state.

The Hong Kong Housing authority is looking for people to rent 77
apartments widely believed to be haunted reports the South China Morning
Post. Gruesome murders and suicides have taken place in some of the
apartments, which are among 3,000 units with "unfavourable conditions"
being offered to help needy families find affordable housing, the newspaper
reported.

A gang of thieves from North London were sentenced at the Old Bailey on
Monday. It was discovered that the gang was led by a social worker who
obtained a grant from the National Lottery fund to establish a charity for
ex-convicts.


Police in Peru say criminals are coating ants with drugs and trying to
smuggle a heroin base substance into Europe. They say they've intercepted
a package of 5,000 giant Amazonian ants coated in opium latex.
Authorities told Panorama Radio the insects were destined for Germany.

A group of drinkers who congregate in a churchyard have asked bell ringers'
to tone down the noise. They've told officials at St Peter's Church in
south Croydon the sound is ruining their drinking sessions. Janet
Harkness, who visits the cemetery to look after her aunt's grave, said: "I
think the drinkers have got a sauce to complain about the bell ringers,
given their own behaviour."

Two men accused of eating human body parts have been freed by a Cambodian
provincial court because there is no specific law against cannibalism. 'I
ordered the military police to release them because there is no law to
charge them with,' said Nhou Tholsaid, a public prosecutor.

New York widow Gloria Trenchley has found a novel way to deter carjackers:
she buckles her late husband's corpse into the passenger seat beside her.
'Leonard always liked the open road, so keeping him in the car just
seemed like the most natural thing in the world. I was told that, as long
as I avoid long road trips in the middle of summer, Lenny should last the
way he is for many years.'


A five-year-old Italian boy destroyed £1,000 after his grandfather told
him money wasn't important. The unnamed boy, from Mirabella Imbaccari,
Sicily, took the money from his father's wallet, completely shredded the
banknotes and threw the pieces out of the window, Il Nuovo website reports

A 95-year-old man who couldn't read three years ago has become Taiwan's
oldest primary school graduate. Chang Tien-chun from Hsinchu says he was
embarrassed when he watched his granddaughter reading and writing.
President Chen Shui-bian presented him with an award at the primary
school's graduation ceremony.

A five year old boy in Thailand has passed Microsoft's Office User
Specialist examination. The Bangkok English language newspaper The Nation
reports that Anji Puri got the computer bug when he was nine months old.
He scored 984 out of a possible 1000 in the Microsoft PowerPoint
proficiency test.

Shemuel Nahum Ben Yisrael from South Carolina who covers himself in urine
whenever he's arrested (so far 20 times for trespassing) is suing local
authorities for $10M, claiming he's been illegally imprisoned, defamed on
police radio, emotionally distressed and assaulted by police. Yemassee
police chief Sammy Rivers says he keeps buckets of waste around his
property and dumps it on himself each time police try to arrest him.
"He'd run in the house and pour paint, urine and doo doo on himself,
whatever he can get his hands on". Yisrael says he pours "stuff" on
himself because the arrests are unlawful.

A plan to build houses in Ireland's most famous cemetery, the final
resting place of some of the country's greatest patriots, political
leaders and artists, has been shelved amid a storm of protest. Dubbed
"Ghoulish Terrace" by critics, the proposal by the 170-year-old Glasnevin
Cemetery in north Dublin to build 11 luxury townhouses inside its walls
was seen as infringing on the national heritage and an exercise in
questionable taste.