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  1. #5741

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    Cleaning out my attic yesterday and I found an old Commodore that's been there for years.
    That'll teach him to go dancing on the ceiling!

  2. #5742

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    BEER SNOBS. Save a fortune on "craft ales with citrus notes" by drinking a can of Fosters through a KFC wet wipe.

  3. #5743

    Prof Cunning @ Oxford Uni

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    I hold your hand in mine, dear
    I press it to my lips
    I take a healthy bite
    From your dainty fingertips

    My joy would be complete, dear
    If only you were here
    But still I keep your hand
    As a precious souvenir

    The night you died I cut it off
    I really don't know why
    For now each time I kiss it
    I get bloodstains on my tie

    I'm sorry now I killed you
    For our love was something fine
    And till they come to get me
    I shall hold your hand in mine.

    - Tom Lehrer
    Strong and Stable Moderation

  4. #5744

    Prof Cunning @ Oxford Uni

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    Make jam doughnuts less calorific by licking the sugar off them before consuming.
    Strong and Stable Moderation

  5. #5745

    Prof Cunning @ Oxford Uni

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    If you're a villain making a bomb, can I suggest using the same colour for all the wires.
    Strong and Stable Moderation

  6. #5746

    I live on CUK

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    Default One for Brillo

    A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
    "May be" says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?"
    The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

  7. #5747

    I live on CUK

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    Default one for AssGuru

    When I was in a mental hospital I used to write my name on the walls in tulip and run around naked with my underpants over my head.
    If you think that was bad, you should have seen some of the stuff my patients did!
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

  8. #5748

    I live on CUK

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    Default one for spooter

    The Goal: Reduce UK binge drinking by half.

    The Plan: Scottish independence.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

  9. #5749

    I live on CUK

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    Those Lidl bags for life are stronger than we thought
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

  10. #5750

    I live on CUK

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    I got an odd-job man in.

    He was useless.

    Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

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