Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the
holes bored into her shoulder blades for her wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening"?

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit
the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that," says the old lady.

[BrilloPad]

I've heard that Dr Shipman has taken up boxing in prison, apparently his
defence isn't up to much, but he's got a lethal jab.

[BrilloPad]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?"

"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would let me bite your breasts for 10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm 10,000 dollars eh? Ok, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"

So they go to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and start caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them but no biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks:

"Are you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah", he replies. "Too expensive."

[BrilloPad]

Subject: 7th Grade Science Test

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life
science classroom, staring at a question on the final
exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of
breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever
came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth
answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He
frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he
brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

[BrilloPad]

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a
woman being given first aid.

One of the golfers asked what had happened and was informed that she had
been stung by a bee and was suffering an allergic reaction.

"Where was she stung?", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", was the reply.

"Wow!", the man said. "She must have been standing right over the nest".

[BrilloPad]

One for the Ladies
THE RIVER

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly
came upon a large raging violent river.

They needed to get to the other side, but had no
idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,
give me the strength to cross this river.


Poof!
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the
river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.


Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength ... and the tools to cross this river."
Poof!
God gave rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour,
after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.


The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and
the intelligence ... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a woman.

She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked
across the bridge!

[BrilloPad]

Q: What is yellow has four eyes and lives off dead beatles ?
A: Yoko Ono

[BrilloPad]

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers "Captain Marvey
has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man
can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called
a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant
replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm
called Queen, so I out rank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

[BrilloPad]

Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to
have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in
the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

[BrilloPad]

How many freudian analysts does it take ...

... to change a light bulb?

Answer: Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to hold the
penis, I mean ladder!