Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

[BrilloPad]

A chicken farmer wakes up and goes to check on his prize cock. As he nears the hutch he can see to legs sticking up in the air. Its on its back, dead. Devastated the farmer wanders about crying in anguish. This cock, with the best tackle that had ever been seen, had been sorting out his hens for years.

The farmer looks through the local classifieds for a new cock. He finds an ad, phones the number and arranges to see this cock that afternoon.

He pulls up in his van that afternoon at the address. A man comes over 'are you here about the cock? "Yes" replies the farmer.

"Follow me"

He follows the man to this huge hutch in which is this huge cock strutting about with enormous reproductive organs.

"Jesus" says the farmer. "He's amazing, how much?

"A fiver"

"Why so cheap? Is he sterile?"

"No, far from it"

"Whats the problem with him?"

"He's a talking cock"

"I'll take him"

He bundles his new cock into the back of his van and goes home. The cock is in the back the whole journey shouting "I need some birds, my loins are hot for your hens"

They arrive, the farmer lets the cock out and he struts about shouting "where are they, let me at 'em"

The farmer points in the direction of 5 huge hen coops about 100ft in length. The cock dissapears in a cloud of dust in the hens direction. The farmer retires to his house for a cup of tea. 2 hours later there is a knock at the door. Looking distinctly knackered and short of a few feathers the cock comes into the kitchen. The farmer tells him he should take a nap. "What" screams the cock "I'm not finished" "But you've shagged 500 hens?"

"I'm not finished" yells the cock "You must have some more birds"

"Well, there's the ducks by the pond"

A huge cloud of dust and the cock is gone.

An hour later the cock returns, nearly bald and gasping.

"My god, are you alright ?" says the farmer. "Come in and have some supper"

"No way" says the cock "I've still got a full sack. Have you got any other birds?

"Well" says the farmer "You could try the geese, but be carefull, they're big birds"

"Great" says the cock "Where are they?"

The farmer points to the hill behind the house.

A huge cloud of dust and the farmer is on his own again.

The farmer has his supper and falls asleep. The next morning the farmer gets up, goes outside and looks for his cock. He is nowhere to be found. The farmer looks towards the hill and can see vultures circling above.

"Oh my god" he runs over and as he approaches he can see 2 legs pointing up to the sky. The cock is on its back.

"Aaah noooo" shouts the farmer. "The geese have killed him"

Distraught, he goes over to the cock, leans down and says "Cock, are you ok?

The cock opens an eye and whispers "F**k off, they're just about to land"

[BrilloPad]

(Allegedly) Real notes to British milkmen:

Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking
the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on
the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've
been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but
the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I
want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation
Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or
do I have to shake the bottle ?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and
did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the
days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any
milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in
drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play
bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote
this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and
put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
further notice.

[BrilloPad]

London, October 08 2013 (Reuters)

Police used tear gas and batons to break up a mob of angry unemployed
stockbrokers in the heart of the financial district as the FTSE100 slumped
through the 500 mark to finish at 497.2. The brokers were demonstrating
outside of the Stock Exchange building, demanding an audience with the
recently elected chairman, James Fleming. When he failed to appear, the
brokers began attacking the building and security staff with briefcases and
what appeared to be rolled up social security forms.

With unemployment in the financial services industry hovering at nearly
90%,the Government has ordered an inquiry into whether it is feasible to
permanently retrain the growing army of brokers and other fallouts from the
financial services industry. "It is very difficult though," said a
spokesman.
"It does not appear that they have any useful skills - legal ones anyway -
which may be redirected to more productive pursuits."

Brokers have become increasingly desperate as the equity market continues
to slide and the war in Iraq enters its ninth month with little sign that
US forces are making any progress. There was a brief 5-point rally in the
market yesterday on news that Saddam Hussein had been captured, but it
turned out to be another "look-alike." "We have now detained more than 300
men and 2 women who bear a striking resemblance to the Iraqi dictator,"
Colonel T.J. Muskrat of the 98th Rangers told a press briefing in Baghdad.

The oil price continues to hover at $US60/barrel as motorists began to
adjust to the second week of petrol rationing. Commuters have also praised
the introduction of rat-powered treadmills to tube trains.

Meanwhile, many online employment web sites were inundated yesterday on
news that Merrill Morgan Suisse Warburg Barney, one of the three remaining
brokerages, was planning to advertise for a receptionist's assistant. Bill
Pettigrew at Seekjob.com said brokers swamped his site and forced it off
line for an hour. MMSWB later denied the rumour, and said they intended to
continue with their recently announced program of staff cuts. Anthony Pope,
a former client adviser at ABNAmroMorgans, said the news "perked him up even
though I knew it couldn't be true."

Yesterday's tentative market rally soon petered out and the market closed
near its lows. An LSE spokesman said the reduced trading hours 10.00-10.30
am)
appeared to be working well. The Nikkei descended below 100 for the second
time in a fortnight, and the Bank of Japan was again the main buyer of
stocks. It issued another 725 trillion yen of government bonds, with a
coupon of 0.00003% per annum and maturing when the sun finally sets on the
Japanese empire.

[BrilloPad]

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a
second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,

"Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"

The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap
could scare him so much.

The driver replied,

"You're right. I'm sorry, really it's not your fault. Today is my first
day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

[BrilloPad]

Ancient crone staggers into sex shop. She is doddery in the extreme; clearly on her last legs. She lurches up to the counter and speaks:

"YYYounnnngggg mmmaaannn. Ddddoooo yyyoooouuu ssseeelllll vvvvibraaaatorsssss?"

"Yes, we do."

"Ddddddoooo yoooouuu hhhhaaavvvve pppppiiiinkkkkkk oooonnnnesssss, eighhhhhhhhhttttttt iiiiiinnccchhesssssss loooooooong?"

"Yes, we do."

"Gooooooood. Theeeeennnnn caaaaaaannnnnn yooouuuuuuuu teeeeelllllll meeeeeeeeee hoooooowwww ttoooooooo tuuuuuuurnnnnnn theeeeeeee fuuuuuuuuuckiiiiiiiiing tthiiiiiiiiinnnng oooooooofffffffff??????????"

[BrilloPad]

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and
tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was
just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older
boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was
WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could
urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."

"How much did you win?"

[BrilloPad]

Paddy and Bridgett had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridgett was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering,

"Take me Paddy. Take me now!"

Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice.

Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridgett pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridgett would love it.

Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridgett if she was ready.

Bridgett shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"

Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.

[BrilloPad]

- Can I have Barbie for Christmas Grandad ?

- Of course you can

- And can I have GI Joe as well Grandad ?

- No, you see, Barbie comes with Ken

- No Grandad, Barbaie fakes it with Ken, Barbie comes with GI Joe

[BrilloPad]

> A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby
> to put his name on his mailbox.
>
> While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
> the mailboxes wearing a robe.
>
> The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
>
> As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
> nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
> contact.
>
> After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
> my apartment, I hear someone coming."
>
> He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
> it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at
> him,"What would you say is my best feature?"
>
> Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
> ears!"
>
> Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
> they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and
> solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that
> the best part of my body is my ears?"
>
> Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard
> someone coming? That was me."