Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Metaphors from students' essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper
bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a
sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots
when you fry them in hot grease.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop
after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a
thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm
scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted
shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a
student on £1-a-beer night.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who
can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a
dog makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with their power tools.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.

[BrilloPad]

Q: what did John Major say to Norma if he was going to be late from the
office ?
A: I'm just going out for a Curry

Q: Why did J.M. not give Ms Curry a job in the cabinet ?
A: because he already gave her one on the back bench.
(It wouldn't be the first time she'd had a major noddy-up.....)

someone should have told JM that curry has a habit of repeating on you.

What's Grey and Smells of Curry? John Major's noddy.

[BrilloPad]

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat
down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread
during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy
unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind
man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and
finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this carp?"

[BrilloPad]

Blind Trust
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy
with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over
to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with
us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk
over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair
of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my
guide dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair
of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry,
pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

[BrilloPad]

Here are some quotes from top darts commentator Sid Wadell...


"Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow."

"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete."

"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"

"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed"

"Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a waterbuffalo with a
pea-shooter"

"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of
chips.......you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"

"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the
windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."

"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline"

"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck
out"

"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch"

"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."

"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."

"His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna."

"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"

"Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint."

"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."

"The pendulum swinging back and forth like a metronome"

"His face is sagging with tension."

"The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dart board."

"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."

"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank"

"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."

"He is as slick as minestrone soup"

"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the
Christians to the Lions."

"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"

"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."

"John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the
Persians"

"When I see Steve Davis I see two letters... C S... Cue Sorcerer"

"By the time of the final on Sunday he should be fit to burst!"

"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"

"Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!"

"I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the
Snap,Crackle and Pop outta Bristow"

"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"

"Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true
roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."

"If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the
cookie's and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing
athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other"

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there
were no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27."

"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in
Essex."

"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone
home."

"He's playing out of his pie crust."

"They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor.They'll
have to play outta their essence!"

"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall
body strength."

"There's no one quicker than these two tungsten tossers... "

"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas
Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."

"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league"

"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts
orbit!"

"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the
Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."

"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a
choo-choo train!"

"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."

[BrilloPad]

> An Englishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a
> cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
>
> The Englishman politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started
> up a conversation.
>
> The American man snapped his gum and said, "Do you English people eat the
> whole bread?"
> The Englishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast
> and replied, "Of course."
> The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In America, we only eat what's
> inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them
> into croissants and sell them to England."
>
> The American had a smirk on his face. The Englishman listened in silence.
>
> The American persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
> Sighing, the Englishman replied, "Of course."
> Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In
> America, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
> seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
> and sell it to England."
>
> The Englishman then asked, "Do you have sex in America?"
> The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
> The Englishman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with
> the condoms once you've used them?"
> "We throw them away, of course."
> Now it was the Englishman's turn to smile.
> "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them
> down into chewing gum and sell them to America. Why do you think they're
> called Wrigley's?"

[BrilloPad]

> A section of motorway walked into a bar. "Give me a pint and I must warn
> you not to mess with me cause I'm well hard"!!
>
> The barman replied: "yes sir, straight away, one pint with no messing".
>
> The section of motorway took the pint and went and sat in the corner of
> the pub.
>
> A little while later a section of red Tarmac entered the pub and ordered a
> pint, the barman replied: "Yes sir one pint coming up - but first I must
> warn you that the section of motorway sitting in the corner is well hard
> and doesnt want to be disturbed".
>
> The barman and the red Tarmac looked toward the corner of the pub where
> the section of motorway was sat visibly shaking and looking worried.
>
> The red Tarmac said to the barman "I thought you said he was well hard"?
> The barman replied: "Thats what he told me, hang on I'll go and see whats
> wrong".
>
> The barman cautiously walked over to the section of motorway and asked:
> "what's wrong, I thought you said you were hard" to which he replied "yeah
> I am, but he's a flaming Cyclepath"!!!!!

[BrilloPad]

A "lesson" for those who cherry-pick from the Good Book to suit their own
purpose.


Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an
observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The
following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which
was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with
as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for
her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of
mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't
we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with
people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan, Jack

[BrilloPad]

MEN, BE YE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR
This was voted "Women's Favorite Email of the Year"

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunch, drove them to
school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then
drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check
book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
And it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them
on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to
do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he
did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,
he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get
through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's
being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way
they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night."

[BrilloPad]

URGENT - DUDLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

At 00:54 on Monday 23 September an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the
richter scale hit Dudley,UK causing untold disruption and distress ?

Many were woken well before their giro arrived

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
costas were damaged

Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were
disturbed

Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the
fact that something interesting has happened in Dudley

HOW YOU CAN HELP

£2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four

£10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play on
an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles

22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim

PLEASE ACT NOW

Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the
rest