Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

SARS or SLOPS ?

The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against
non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed
concerns about the spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS).
Officials are warning travellers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of
Western Europe, and Canada, following further outbreaks of the disease,
which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children
being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and
increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face
masks and boiler suits.

A WHO spokesman said, "You'd be much better off going to somewhere like
Thailand or China, because all you've got to worry about there is SARS, and
let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get
kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."

The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 500 lives in only six months,
which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria, which only
kills
around 3000 people every single day. Malaria, however, mainly effects only
darkies what speak foreign, whereas SARS has made at least one English
person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days, and is therefore considered
much more serious.

The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions, with many
high-level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread
of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for
Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise,
they
might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that
simply would not do.

[BrilloPad]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as
well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord-Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness-Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination-Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


Your devoted fan,
Jim.

[BrilloPad]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked,
"How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned
Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never
heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got
to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so
awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust,
wash, iron, cook!"

[BrilloPad]

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was
perfect. However, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from
her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks
up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in
the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it
headed?"

[BrilloPad]

Never buy a dwarf with a learning disability.
It's not big and it's not clever.

[BrilloPad]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly
seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A noddyroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[BrilloPad]

*Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You*

When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

Only moans during commercial breaks.

Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centrefold to hurry you along.

She yells out her own name.

Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin

[BrilloPad]

Stress Management techniques:

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No-one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

[BrilloPad]

Grandma and Grandpa are watching an evangelical healing service on the telly. The preacher tells viewers to place one hand on the TV and one hand on the part of the body they wish to be healed.
Grandma slowly hobbles to the TV set, places one hand on the set and the other on her painful, arthritic shoulder.
Then Grandpa goes to the TV, places one hand on the set and the other on his crotch.
Grandma scowls and says: ‘You just don’t get it, do you? The ideal is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.’


An old woman goes to the doctor to ask for some Viagra for her husband. ‘It comes in three doses,’ he says. ‘There’s 25 per cent – to make it rise a few degrees: 50 per cent – to bring it up about halfway, and 100 per cent – pointing at the ceiling.’
‘Hmmmmm,’ says the old woman, ‘I’ll take a box of the 50 per cent stuff.’
‘Most folk go for the 100 per cent stuff, says the doctor, ‘to guarantee top-quality sex.’
‘Oh,’ says the woman, it’s only to stop the old git from peeing in his slippers.’


A man walks into a shop. While he’s browsing an assistant whispers: ‘Sir, your barrack doors are open.’
He gives her a bemused look and carries on shopping. A while later a man taps him on the shoulder and explains his flies are undone.
Understanding what the shop assistant meant, he walks to her checkout and says: ‘When you saw my barrack doors open, did you notice a muscular soldier standing to attention/’
‘No,’ she says. ‘I just saw a wrinkly veteran sitting on two knackered duffel bags.’

[BrilloPad]

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed
to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games,
other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The
IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the
following pre-match displays:

a.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the
air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they
invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that
everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.


b.. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before
smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.


c.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half
performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional
route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents
dressing room.


d.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh
suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.


e.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition
territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be
forcibly removed by the match stewards.


f.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more
important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts
whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.


g.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future
years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the
most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film
called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.


h.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the
rest of the team to ransom.


i.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the
female stewards and then run away.


j.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and
then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They
will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when
their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.


k.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at
high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a
subsidy from the UK Government).


l.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the
delight of Wales!) and burn the officials.


m.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative
singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their
mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.