Please put more jokes here

[Diver]

Originally Posted by BrilloPad

At the end of this, you are asked a question.
Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.
Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
Fun Test..This is kind of spooky!
If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.
Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%
and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.
Amazing test....just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous
one.
You do not need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your
mind. You'll be surprised.
Start:
How much is . . :
15 + 6
3 + 56
89 + 2
12 + 53
75 + 26
25 + 52
63 + 32
I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..
Come on, one more..
123 + 5
QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR!
Scroll further to the bottom...





A bit more.





You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?
If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
different, if not abnormal, mind. 98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this
exercise.
If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.
Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%
and send to everyone.

Spooky is right red hammer

[BrilloPad]

Originally Posted by Diver

Spooky is right red hammer

its odd - I must google this. Helps understand how to influence people...

[BrilloPad]

BrilloPad 98
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 20
TazMaN 18
richard-af 18
TheFaQQer 17
Swiss Tony 16
FiveTimes 14
wobbegong 13
zeitghost 11
daviejones 10


I am the joke master. yeaaahhhh!!

[BrilloPad]

Originally Posted by BrilloPad

its odd - I must google this. Helps understand how to influence people...

apparently its not a trick - if people have a clear mind then most will answer red and hammer. But the 98/2 thingy is nonsense.

[Chantho]

Originally Posted by BrilloPad

BrilloPad 98
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 20
TazMaN 18
richard-af 18
TheFaQQer 17
Swiss Tony 16
FiveTimes 14
wobbegong 13
zeitghost 11
daviejones 10


I am the joke master. yeaaahhhh!!

Well done!

I think you are also, naturally, the most frequent victim of the weird moderation of words e.g.

tulipsu, John Hannoddy and noddyy!!

[BrilloPad]

Originally Posted by Chantho

Well done!

I think you are also, naturally, the most frequent victim of the weird moderation of words e.g.

tulipsu, John Hannoddy and noddyy!!

thank you old chap - much appreciated.

I find it weird - "never mind the buzznoddys"

[daviejones]

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes...........BOOM!!!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of
hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.

'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'. With this he carries on
climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with
long hair and a long white beard.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.

'But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!!!.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'

'But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!!!'

'You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'

'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you'.

The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?'

'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you'.

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts 'Oi', Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!'

[BrilloPad]

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent
warning about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).

A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world.
The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement
Syndrome) affects people of many different ages. Believed to have
started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people
who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not
known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion
people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases
appearing every day. Early symptoms of the disease include an
uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic
beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced
symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key,
aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards
fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and
unprovoked arguing.

In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed,
and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance,
loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes
death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred,
bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"

If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you
quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or
all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease
can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following
Friday.

Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost
property, killer headaches and divorce.

On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a
permanent cure.

[BrilloPad]

True Newspaper Stories (Allegedly...)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her
Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of
Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist
B@stards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.
B@stards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in
his new name. (The Guardian)

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left
a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on (Glasgow Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to
do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd
always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,
a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the
time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

[BrilloPad]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say.