Please put more jokes here

[wobbegong]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing
on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous
taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to
life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......


"flip off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[TheFaQQer]

Originally Posted by sasguru

Have you heard Salman Rushdie has written a sequel to the "The Satanic Verses"?

It's called "The Pope's a Coont".

Ah - I thought it was called "Buddha, you fat bastard"

[Swiss Tony]

The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.

And then it hit me

[DBA_bloke]

Originally Posted by sasguru

Have you heard Salman Rushdie has written a sequel to the "The Satanic Verses"?

It's called "The Pope's a Coont".

Please refrain from posting elderly jokes like that. I thought I'd been transported back ten years in time.

[Swiss Tony]

A spastic and his mate board a train. After a while, a girl in the opposing carriage jumps up and flashes her tits.

The mate says to the spastic "That girl just showed you her boobies, quick show her your nuts".

The spastic instantly gets up, looks at the girl and says "Uwamgyt wahmigjuut sthaieutry"

[Dundeegeorge]

Originally Posted by Swiss Tony

A spastic and his mate board a train. After a while, a girl in the opposing carriage jumps up and flashes her tits.

The mate says to the spastic "That girl just showed you her boobies, quick show her your nuts".

The spastic instantly gets up, looks at the girl and says "Uwamgyt wahmigjuut sthaieutry"

He was a Welsh spastic? What?

[macro]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

[macro]

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response,

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

[Dundeegeorge]

Well, I say zoo. They only had one dog. That was it. One dog. It was a tulipzu.

Guy walks into a bar, announces loudly "everybody on the left of the bar is a ****, everybody on the right is a bastard".
Guy on the left indignantly splutters "Hey, I'm no bastard!".
"Well get over the other side you ****".

Guy goes to the psychiatrist, and says "I think I'm a dog".
Psychiatrist says "that's interesting, please sit on the couch and tell me all about it"
"I'm not allowed on the couch".......

[Swiss Tony]

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a
fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a Monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his
wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY
rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a
note which reads.....

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple, you cu*t."