Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.



The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'



Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues, 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit



The man says 'Why the rabbit ? '





'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'

[BrilloPad]

Q What's the difference between an ordinary frog and a horny frog?
A One says ribbit and the other says rub it.


A man goes to the doctor complaining of a rash on his private parts. The doctor asks: 'How often do you and your partner have sex?'
'Twice a year,' the man says.
'Then that's not a rash,' the doctor declares. 'It's rust.'


A dentist whose name was Malone.
Got a charming young girl alone.
But in his depravity, filled the wrong cavity.
Now his practice has grown!

[EternalOptimist]

A mum takes her relucatant 14 year old daughter to the doctors, to check out her weight gain.
The doc examines the girl, and says 'well congratulations, you will be a grandmother in a few months'
The mum is horified and explains that its not possible, the girl is a virgin, never goes anywhere and doesn't even have a boyfriend. The young girl agrees and nods, butter wouldnt melt in her mouth.
The doctor goes to the window, sighs and looks at the horizon.

After a few minutes the mum starts to get a bit annoyed, 'What are you doing doctor ?'
'Just a bit curious. The last time this type of thing happened there was a new star in the East.'

[Churchill]

My Uncle was a crap ventriloquist, he used to shove his hand up my arse and tell me to say nothing...

[Money Money Money]

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.

The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

[BrilloPad]

Husband to wife: 'Why do you always carry my photo in your wallet?'
Wife: 'When there's a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and it disappears.'
Husband: 'Is that because you see me as powerful, enigmatic and miraculous?'
Wife: 'No I look at your picture and ask myself: '"What other problem can be greater than this one?"'



A man brings a girl back to his apartment. He takes off her clothes, then his own, and says: 'I'd like you to meet my little friend.'
The girl takes a look, gathers her clothes, and says: 'Call me when he grows up.'

[Pondlife]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Diver]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Money Money Money]

Is there an echo?

[BrilloPad]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fuc*ing forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.