Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

George Bush is being giving his last daily briefing. He is told that yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally he looks up with a devastated expression on his face and he asks, "How many is a brazillion?'

[oracleslave]

Originally Posted by EternalOptimist

George Bush is being giving his last daily briefing. He is told that yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally he looks up with a devastated expression on his face and he asks, "How many is a brazillion?'

[TheFaQQer]

Originally Posted by Board Game Geek

Donald Rumsfeld went into the Oval Office to brief President Bush on the Iraq war.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news, Rumsfeld says. Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today."

Well, Bush was just overcome with grief. He put his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably and wailed, "Three Brazilian soldiers, three Brazilian soldiers, oh my God, three Brazilian soldiers."

He was so distraught that Rumsfeld could see that he would get no more work done and left the office.

When Bush calmed down a little, he turned to Dick Cheney and said, "Dick, please, please help me out here. Tell me, how many is a brazillion?"

Originally Posted by EternalOptimist

George Bush is being giving his last daily briefing. He is told that yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally he looks up with a devastated expression on his face and he asks, "How many is a brazillion?'

There's an echo (almost) in here...

[Board Game Geek]

George Bush is being giving his last daily briefing. He is told that yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally he looks up with a devastated expression on his face and he asks, "Well, at least they weren't from Hollywood'

[BrilloPad]

A little old lady is walking down the street carrying two plastic bin bags. Every few feet a £20 note flies out of one bag. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

'Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of one of your bags,' he says. 'Can you explain?'

'Yes,' the old lady replies. My garden backs onto a football stadium and fans pee through the bushes onto my flowers. So I wait with my shears and each time a man sticks his thing through, I grab it and say '£20 or off it comes!'

'That's not a bad idea,' the officer laughs. 'But what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' the little old lady says, 'some of them don't pay up.'

[BrilloPad]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

[BrilloPad]

THE NEW PASSWORD

A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password to log-on in future.

Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...


N...


I...


S...

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied,

***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[BrilloPad]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[EternalOptimist]

Originally Posted by BrilloPad

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

heh heh. now lets find the male version

[EternalOptimist]

Womens Personal Ads - translations

40ish............................................. .49
Adventurous....................................... .Slept with all your mates
Athletic.......................................... .No Tits
Average looking....................................Has a face like an arse
Beautiful......................................... .Pathological liar
Contagious smile...................................Does a lot of pills
Educated.......................................... .****ed to death at college
Emotionally secure.................................On medication
Feminist.......................................... .Fat
Friendship first...................................Former slut/born again virgin
Fun............................................... .Annoying
Gentle............................................ .Dull
Good listener......................................Auti stic
New Age............................................Bod y hair problems
Old fashioned......................................No blow jobs or anal
Open minded........................................Desp erate
Outgoing.......................................... .Loud and embarrassing
Passionate........................................ .Sloppy drunk
Poet.............................................. .Depressive
Professional...................................... .Bitch
Romantic.......................................... .Fridgid
Social............................................ .Fanny like a wizards sleeve
Voluptuous........................................ .Very fat
Large lady.........................................Hugel y Fat
Wants soulmate.....................................Stalk er
Widow............................................. .Murderer