Please put more jokes here

[zara_backdog]

* Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
* Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.
* Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
* Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out
* A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
* ...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
* Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
* ...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.

* Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
* A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
* When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
* Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
* Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...
* ...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
* And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
* Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
* You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.

* If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
* If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
* You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
* A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
* Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
* A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.

* A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
* Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
* A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
* There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
* Dogs do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
* A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.

* A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
* Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
* Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'

[BrilloPad]

A man walks into a psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist took one look at him and said: 'I can clearly see you're nuts.'

1st man: I've just bought a bargain bucket of Viagra - £1 for 50 tablets.
2nd man: Why are they so cheap?
1st man: There a week past their swell-by date.

The police were called out to two hooligans. One had been charged with drinking battery acid, the other had been eating fireworks. They charged the first man and let the other one off.

[EternalOptimist]

You know you're name is Osama if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

[BrilloPad]

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Th e brainium contains the brain; the boraxcontains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[BrilloPad]

An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a

drink after a hard day working away from home.



"You know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In

Glasgow there's a wee bar called McManus. The landlord there really

knows how to look after the regulars. After you've bought four drinks,

he will buy the fifth drink for you"



"Reminds me of my old local, The Black Horse" said the Englishman. "The

guvnor there always gave me my third drink free"



"That's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'

Malley's bar. As soon as you go through the door they'll buy you a

drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had

plenty of drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.

All on the house"



"Fantastic" said the Englishman, "and this actually happened to you?"



"Not me, personally, no" said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my

sister!!"

[BrilloPad]

> Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
> Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> -----------------------------------
>
> A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a
> whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores
> than let liquor touch my lips!"
>
> Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didnt know we had
> a choice!"
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------------
>
> Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How
> many people are flying with you?"
>
> Paddy replies "I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!"
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> -----------------------------------
>
> Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to
> Murphy "Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!"
>
> He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts "I'M A
> LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
>
> The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the
> site.
>
> Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
>
> "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
>
> "I cant work in the friggin dark! " says Murphy.
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> ---------------------------------------
>
> Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After
> 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting
> on"
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------------------
>
> Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She
> undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says "You know what I want
> dont you?"
>
> "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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>
> Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
>
> A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if
> you get a dodgy one!
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> -------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service
> for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional
> opinion it was a death trap!
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy's chat up lines:
>
> 1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
> 2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
> 3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
>
> 4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in
> them!
>
> 5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my
> nuts tighten up!
>
> 6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is
> only a light switch away!
>
>
>
>
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> -------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on
> Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head
> to which point Paddy said "I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!"
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> -------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is
> barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms
> off.
>
> He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did
> you do?"
>
> Paddy replies "Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they
> like it!"
>
>
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> ------------------------------------------------
>
> An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says "You're not very
> tight for a Jew!"
>
> She says "Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!"
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> -----------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have
> Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didnt even know they had mobile
> phones!"
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------------------------------------------
>
> Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick
> say "Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!"
>
> Paddy says "Whats his name?"
>
> Mick replies "Miles from London!"
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------------------------------------------
>
> An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives
> past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts "Its thick
> c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick
> the f**k out of you if I could swim!"
>
>

[BrilloPad]

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He
thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're
calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an
ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the
photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture!

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room
he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I
want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me
up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now,
how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
line '

[BrilloPad]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here a nd arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... t hat will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying flip YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[BrilloPad]

There was a young actor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
But he fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

A sausage walks into a pub, leans on the bar and orders a pint of lager.
'Sorry mate,' the landlord said. 'We don't serve food here.'

An 80 year old man who's just married a 20 year old girl walked into his local.
'How is married life?' the barman asked.
'Not bad,' replied the old fellow. We do it nearly every night.
Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...'

[EternalOptimist]

The sexual life of the camel is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season he tries to bugger the sphinx.
But the sphinx's posterior orifice is clogged by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel and the sphinx's inscrutable smile.

The sexual life of the ostrich is stranger than that of man.
At the height of the mating season she buries her head in the sand.
When along comes the male of the species and sees that ass flying high in the air,
He wonder's if it's male or female, and says "What the **** do I care?!?"

The sexual life of a bullfrog is understood by some,
At the height of the mating season he crawls up the arse of his chum.
But this vile orifice is horrible and filled with foul gases and slime,
Which accounts for his croak and why he says "ugh" all the time.

In the anals of syphulization, from anthropod ape down to man,
It is commonly held that the Navy has buggered whatever it can.
But recent extensive researches, by Darwin and Huxley and Hall,
Conclusively prove that the hedgehog has never been buggered at all.

But theorems were meant to be broken as in the postulate written above,
Regarding the plight of the hedgehog and the boundaries of sexual love.
For a crafty ol' naval bugger left his memoirs to Harvard and Yale,
Simply stating the fact that the hedgehog can be buggered by shaving his tail.