Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A man is pleasuring himself in his bedroom. As he finishes, he looks up to see the window cleaner staring at him.

Red-faced, the man rushes downstairs as he hears a knock at the door.

'I've done your windows,' the window cleaner says with a wink and a smirk. 'That'll be £100.'

Hurriedly, the man pays him and shuts the door.

The man's wife, who's been listening, yells: 'Eh? A hundred quid for cleaning four small windows? He must have seen you coming!'

Q Why can't a man ever please a woman?
A Because no man has a willy made of chocolate that ejaculates money.

[BrilloPad]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several
years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted
Mango and Avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it
was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.



As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'



Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast!

[BrilloPad]

Q What's worse than finding a maggot down your new boyfriend's underpants
A Realising it's not a maggot

[voodooflux]

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, if I died, would you get another dog?

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[voodooflux]

My Grandad once told me he got chucked out of the public swimming pool for peeing in the water. He reckons he would have got away with it if he hadn't been stood on the top diving board when he did it.

[Bob Dalek]

Originally Posted by BrilloPad

Q Why can't a man ever please a woman?
A Because no man has a willy made of chocolate that ejaculates money.

I have.

[Solent]

Paddy the electrician has been sacked from HP Prison Service. When asked to fix the electric chair he was heard to say; "I'm not going anywhere near that, it's look like a bl**dy deathtrap"

[BrilloPad]

A lorry carrying a load of Viagra crashed into the River Thames. Tower Bridge stayed up for three days.

Q What did the nun say when she was cycling down a cobbled road on a bike with no saddle?
A 'I've come this way before.'

A woman meets a man at a birthday do and asks him: 'Do you like parties?'
'Yes,' he replies
'Good,' she says 'I'll rummage in your boxers and have a ball!'

A woman overhears her hubby bragging to his mate in the lounge. 'Once I had sex with my wife for over an hour,' he boasts.

'When was that, then?' his wife laughs from the kitchen.

'The nights the clocks went forward,' he shouts back.

[BrilloPad]

Be careful of the badger,
Said the sign on the gate,
But the beast bit off my tadger...
I read the sign too late

'Oh dear,' a woman sighs one morning, realising she's forgotten to go to an important appointment. 'I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone.'
'I'm not surprised,' her husband comments from behind his paper. 'You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 20 years.'

[EternalOptimist]

a policeman from near Clapham junction
had a pen1s that just wouldn't function
for the rest of his life
he misled his poor wife
with some snot on the end of his truncheon