Please put more jokes here

[TazMaN]

A woman is checking out at a grocery store. The cashier looks at her items, a single package of kleenex, some cans of soup, ice cream, and a TV Guide.

The cashier asks "Oh, you must be single right?"

The woman reveals a flirtatious smile and says "How'd you guess, because of what I'm buying?"

The cashier says "No its because you're f****ing ugly"

[BrilloPad]

A woman's vegetable garden is growing well except the tomatoes won't ripen So she goes to her neighbour and says to him:
'Your tomatoes are really red and ripe, while mine are green. What can I do?'
'Well,' her neighbour replies, 'it may sound a bit crazy, but here's the solution. There's a full moon tonight. After dark, go out into your garden, take off all your clothes and dance around totally naked. The tomatoes will see you in the moonlight and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning, they'll all be red.'
That night the woman does as her neighbour instructed. Next day her neighbour asks her if it was a success.
'Yes and no,' she answers. 'The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are four inches longer.'

[Spacecadet]

Gordon Brown or Gordon the Useless One as he is known by some of his colleagues was looking for a lady of the night.


He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, £200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was £100.

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!

[BrilloPad]

A man walks into a pub with a lump of tarmac under his arm. 'What can I get you?' asked the barmaid. 'A pint please', the man grinned, 'and one for the road.'

1st housewife: To me, sex is like housekeeping money.
2nd housewife: How's that then?
1st housewife: Because I could never manage on what my husband gives me.

[BrilloPad]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his quest ions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '3 6.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and end s in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong !

[Swiss Tony]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.



Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[cupidstunt]

"I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you
get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall
for it" - Jay Leno

"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are now? Wall Street is now being
called Wal-Mart Street" - Jay Leno

The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker? The pigeon
can still make a deposit on a BMW

Q: What's the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and
an investment banker? A: A tie

What does AIG stand for? American Innocence and Greed

The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side
nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left

I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.

[Unicorn]

About 10p

[BrilloPad]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an
'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet
into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try
and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear
exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his
pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes
to tatters and took me then and there passionately on
the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an
absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the
sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'flipin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25
years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able
to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!

[BrilloPad]

A middle aged man was sitting on the bus when a punk got on board and sat opposite him. The punk had yellow green and blue hair, was pierced all over, and the man just kept staring.

'What's the matter?' the punk asked.

'Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?'

'Yes,' the man said. 'When I was in the navy I once got drunk and slept with a parrot I was wondering if you were my son.'