Please put more jokes here - Page 185

BrilloPad · 2nd September 2008, 16:50

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no Heaven.After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... ""Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed.""What's it like, John?" Maude asked."Well," said John, "I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again.""Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!""Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Diablo,Colorado."

BrilloPad · 3rd September 2008, 08:13

If users' minds were like dominoes - surely they would be a double blank.

voodooflux · 5th September 2008, 22:22

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 nd 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded,

"You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Diver · 8th September 2008, 10:12

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'

BrilloPad · 8th September 2008, 19:58

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

BrilloPad · 9th September 2008, 18:40

An 85 year old man is having a physical examination. The GP gives him a specimen bottle and says: 'Take this and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the old man reappears at the doctor's and hands him a bottle - empty.

The man explains: 'First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand and still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out. But no luck.

'So we asked the lady next door. She tried between her knees. But still no joy.'

The doctor is shocked. 'You asked your neighbour to help you get a semen specimen?'

'No,' the old man replies. 'To get the lid off the bottle!'

Spacecadet · 9th September 2008, 20:51

A man leaves his hotel room and gets into the lift to head down to the lobby.
As he gets in he accidently elbows an attractive lady in her rather well endowned chest.
"I'm so sorry," he says "but if your heart is as soft as your chest then I'm sure you'll forgive me"
"Well" she replies "If your cock is as hard as your elbow then I'm in room 607"

voodooflux · 10th September 2008, 11:50

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."

This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.

She told him that she just couldn`t do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn`t unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I`m sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want," He replied, "That`s ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

BrilloPad · 10th September 2008, 15:49

Relatives gather together anxiously in the hospital waiting room for news of their dying uncle. The doctor comes in looking sombre.

'I'm afraid the only hope left is a brain transplant,' he says. 'Unfortunately you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

'Well, how much does a brain cost?' they ask.

'It's £5,000 for a male brain and £200 for a female brain,' the doctor replies.

'Why does the male brain cost so much more?' a woman inquires indignantly.

'It's standard pricing procedure,' the doctor explains. 'We have to mark down the female brains because they've actually been used. The male brains haven't so they're as good as new.'

Money Money Money · 11th September 2008, 08:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrilloPad

Relatives gather together anxiously in the hospital waiting room for news of their dying uncle. The doctor comes in looking sombre.

'I'm afraid the only hope left is a brain transplant,' he says. 'Unfortunately you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

'Well, how much does a brain cost?' they ask.

'It's £5,000 for a male brain and £200 for a female brain,' the doctor replies.

'Why does the male brain cost so much more?' a woman inquires indignantly.

'It's standard pricing procedure,' the doctor explains. 'We have to mark down the female brains because they've actually been used. The male brains haven't so they're as good as new.'

Could you not have adapted this appropriately?