Please put more jokes here

[Diver]

KIDS IN CHURCH


3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[The Coal Man]

Did you know that 13% of Americans think parts of the moon are actually made from cheese.

If you think that's scary, you dont want to know what President Bush thinks about the city of Philadelphia.

-------------------
George Bush senior talking to his son:

"I made the same mistake with your mother that you did in Iraq... I didn't pull out in time."
-------------------
Apparently, when he finally leaves office, George Bush will be using the spare time to finish his book.

He's dying to find out where Spot's hiding.
-------------------

[Diver]

Originally Posted by The Coal Man

Did you know that 13% of Americans think parts of the moon are actually made from cheese.

If you think that's scary, you dont want to know what President Bush thinks about the city of Philadelphia.

-------------------
George Bush senior talking to his son:

"I made the same mistake with your mother that you did in Iraq... I didn't pull out in time."
-------------------
Apparently, when he finally leaves office, George Bush will be using the spare time to finish his book.

He's dying to find out where Spot's hiding.
-------------------

THE WIT & WISDOM OF GEORGE W. BUSH. All Quotes 100% Authentic:

"I think we can agree. The past is over"

"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." [An alky's Freudian slip for Exhilarating]

"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

"Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" "Laura & I really don't realize how bright our children is."

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who have an emergency."

"There ought to be limits to freedom." [said in support of his handlers' legal efforts to shut down parody websites]

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush, Jr.

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

[The Coal Man]

george bush is visiting Algeria. As part of his programme, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people.

"You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to talk to you in your own language but, unfortunately, I was never any good at Algebra..."

-----------------
Laura bush: "We have the weekend free darling, what would you like to do?"

george bush: "I'm not sure. Let's think..."

Laura bush: "No, let's do something that you can do too."
-----------------
Dick Cheney and george W. bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" george W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to bush and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
-----------------

Moses got off an aeroplane and george bush came up to him and said, "hi!"

Moses ignored him and walked on.

When asked why he ignored the president of the USA, Moses simply replied, "Last time I spoke to a bush we starved for 40 years."

-----------------
There are 4 people sitting on a plane. The Pope, george bush, a little boy and a football star. Suddenly, the plane begins to fall. They turn around and see only 3 parachutes.

"I have to take one" says the footballer, "The world can't live without my great sporting skills" He grabs a parachute and jumps off.
"I also have to take one" says george bush, "The world needs me" He grabs a parachute and jumps off.
The Pope looks at the little boy and says "You take the last parachute my dear boy, I am too old while you have your whole life ahead of you."
"Do not fret, sir, we can both take a parachute. The Pope looks around and does not understand.
"How is this, boy?" asked The Pope.
"It's george bush, sir," said the boy, "The stupid t*** took my school bag!"
-----------------
Gordon Brown and george bush are sat in a pub - there is only one other man in there and a dog laid by the fire.

The other man in the pub walks out and about five minutes later another man walks in and lifts up the dogs tail.

When the landlord asks the man what he was doing, he replied:

"Well the bloke who just walked out said there was a dog in here with two assho**s!"
-----------------
What's worse than george bush?
An American who voted for him!
-----------------

Dick Cheney Walks into the Oval Office and sees george bush whooping and hollering, he says "what are you so happy about?"
bush said "I just finished a puzzle, it said 3-5 years on the box but it only took me a month
-----------------

And my personal favourite: ..........

...After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",Osama himself decided to send george W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H.

bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
-----------------

[Diver]

Michael Jackson Press Conference
________________________________________
Wednesday, 11:15 a.m., PST

Official Transcript of Press Conference conducted by Santa Barbara Sheriff Jim Anderson

Anderson: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Yesterday morning at around 8:30 a.m., investigators from the Santa Barbara Sheriff's Department served a search warrant at Neverland Ranch. Approximately 70 investigators from the sheriff's department and district attorney's office were involved in the service of this warrant at Neverland Ranch. The operation was concluded around 11 p.m. PT last night. The service of the warrants was part of an ongoing investigation alleging criminal misconduct on the part of Michael Jackson.


The basis for this investigation regarding Mr. Jackson involves allegations of child molestation 288(a) of the California penal code.


Additionally, an arrest warrant for Mr. Jackson has been issued on multiple counts of child molestation. The bail amount on the warrant has been set at $3 million.


Now we'll open it up to the press for questions.

Reporter: Yes, What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?

Anderson: I'm sorry?

Reporter: What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect ten?

Anderson: I... don't know...

Reporter: Two five year olds!

[Reporters break out into laughter]

Anderson: Come on. That's just childish. Next question, please.

Reporter: Yes, have you also heard today that the Boy Scouts released Michael Jackson from his Cub Scouts duties?

Anderson: No, I'm sorry I hadn't.

Reporter: Yeah, apparently he was up to a pack a day.

[Reporters ROAR with laughter]

Anderson: No more Michael Jackson jokes! Serious questions only. [Scans room] Yes, you.

Reporter: Yes, it was our understanding that upon hearing the news of his arrest, Mr. Jackson had to be taken to the hospital.


Anderson: I hadn't heard that.

Reporter: Yeah, apparently he was choking on a small bone!

[Reporters are now CONVULSING in uncontrollable laughter]

Anderson: Quiet! That's enough! Don't you have any compassion or understanding of the present situation? A man is being accused of sexually molesting an innocent 12-year-old boy, and there could very well be other children who were molested, and all you can do is use this opportunity to crack jokes?"


[Reporters begin to hang heads in shame]

Anderson: Good. Now, does anyone have a question pertaining to the investigation that's not a Michael Jackson joke?

[No hands raise]

Anderon: "NONE OF YOU?!"

[A hand goes up]

Anderson: Yes, you there.

Reporter: What exactly were investigators looking for when you searched Mr. Jackson's home?

Anderson: This isn't a setup to a joke?

Reporter: No sir, it's a serious question.

Anderson: Well good, but unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to discuss that.

Repoter: Really? Because we were told you were looking for something black and white and comes in little cans!

[Reporters BURST OUT in laughter]

Anderson: Now come on! That's just... no wait, you know I just got it - Comes in little cans! [Laughs]. Okay, okay, I got one, and stop me if you've heard this one before: How does the sheriff's department already know he's guilty?

[waits for anticipation]

Anderson: Because several children have already fingered him!"

[Reporters HOWL]


Can't remember if I posted this last year

[BrilloPad]

A girl got pregnant, even though she'd insisted her boyfriend used a condom. 'What went wrong?' she asked him.

'Well, the instructions said stretch carefully over organ' the boy said 'And we've only got a piano.'

[Diver]

The naked women who dried herself in front of the fire and set fire to her bush.

police arrested her for smoking crack

[Board Game Geek]

The naked women who dried herself in front of the fire and set fire to her bush.

police arrested her for smoking crack

Who, her ?

[BrilloPad]

Signs

> In a Podiatrist's office:
>
> 'Time wounds all heels.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Septic Tank Truck:
>
> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
>
> **************************
>
> At a Proctologist's door:
>
> 'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Plumber's truck:
>
> 'We repair what your husband fixed.'
>
> **************************
>
> On another Plumber's truck:
>
> 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Church's Bill board:
>
> '7 days without God makes one weak.'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
>
> 'Invite us to your next blowout.'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Towing company:
>
> 'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
>
> **************************
>
> On an Electrician's truck:
>
> 'Let us remove your shorts.'
>
> **************************
>
> In a Nonsmoking Area:
>
> 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
> action.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Maternity Room door:
>
> 'Push. Push. Push.'
>
> **************************
>
> At an Optometrist's Office:
>
> 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Taxidermist's window:
>
> 'We really know our stuff.'
>
> **************************
>
> On a Fence:
>
> 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Car Dealership:
>
> 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
>
> **************************
>
> Outside a Muffler Shop:
>
> 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
>
> **************************
>
> In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
>
> 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
>
> **************************
>
> At the Electric Company
>
> 'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
>
> However, if you don't, you won't be.'
>
> **************************
>
> In a Restaurant window:
>
> 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
>
> **************************
>
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
>
> 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
>
> **************************
>
> At a Propane Filling Station:
>
> 'Thank heaven for little grills.'
>
> **************************
>
> And don't forget the sign at a
>
> CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
>
> 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

[xoggoth]

Yesterday we passed a lorry with "My wife likes a big one" on the back. Thought it was something his mate had written in the dirt but it was the actual company slogan, on side too.