Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Originally Posted by williamdavis

......A snooker table!

Come on you know it's a winner!!!

Is there a competition?

[Diver]

It's All Relative

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has
decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl
and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure
she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very
disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I
suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy
Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news,
and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky".

There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice
black boy you were dating last year?"

[BrilloPad]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you sh****n' me? Your Honor, I think I
need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law

[BrilloPad]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because
it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and
a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room
in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said
the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[BrilloPad]

Subject: Ethnic misunderstanding

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "....why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence.
"I no rike Jews either!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic.""What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah... all same!"--

[BrilloPad]

A man moves into a nudist colony. Soon afterwards he receives a letter from his grandmother, asking him to send a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers he's mistakenly sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried, but remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads: Thank you for the picture. I think you should change your hairstyle as it makes your nose look too short.

[Diver]

I love this ……..Coz it's true

AMERICANS!

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the
Scottish North coast.

The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.

BRITISH : Negative.You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
The South to avoid a collision.

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

US NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.



BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*#k off

[Moscow Mule]

Originally Posted by Diver

I love this ……..Coz it's true

Merkins are stupid = True

Story = False

[Diver]

Originally Posted by Moscow Mule

Merkins are stupid = True

Story = False

I stand corrected

Now

F###k off

----------

Seriously

[BrilloPad]

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?



2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?



3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when
you throw it away ?



4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?



5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly
you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think
about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at
it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!



THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:




1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?



2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).



3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.



4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!



5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.