Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little ****.............

[BrilloPad]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'



The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'



The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'



Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'



The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.



The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads and be darn careful when riding someone else's bicycle.






he Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists:



A university graduate and an old bushie. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".



First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said:



* Slowly across the desert sand,*



* Trekked a lonely caravan.*



* Men on camels, two by two.*



* Destination - Timbuktu.*



The crowd went crazy! No way could the old bushie top that, they thought.

The old bushie calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:



*Me and Tim a huntin' went.*



* Met three whores in a pop-up tent.*



* They were three, and we were two.*



* So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.*





The old bushie won.





A young guy ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 61-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

They drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if he'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' he asked

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

He said, 'No' - excitedly.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'his lucky night'.

They went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

[BrilloPad]

You've been waiting for them, so without further ado here are the 2008
Darwin Natural Selection awards.


Eighth Place In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker (who 'totally
zoned when he ran') accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his
daily run.

Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones (21) dug an 8 foot hole
for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at
the bottom when the sides collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out
but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado (24) was killed as he fell through the
ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the
long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free,
rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell Jr. (26) was killed as he won a bet
with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked
at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on
robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed
officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a
target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and
several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was
pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators
located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent
autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from
7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION Paul Stiller (47) and his wife Bonnie were bored
just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to
toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently, they
failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local
bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by.
They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the
bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore
his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was
never located.

AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn,
Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up
pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich
(46) was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when
the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he
struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200
pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves..... 'Sh!t
happens'.

THEY WALK AMOUNG US.... IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE
PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

[BrilloPad]

An impotent bus driver is prescribed Viagra. Taking his first pill, he and his wife go to bed, where he rises to the occasion three times.

He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

'Your job is taking over every aspect of your life,' she moans. 'Even sex is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come along at once.'


Two girls are boasting about their boyfriends.

'My Jack's unbelievable,' one says. 'He walks straight up to me and puts it in.'

'That's nothing,' the second girl scoffs. 'Bob puts it straight in and then walks up to me.'



I went to the doctor's to see what he could give me for wind. He gave me a kite.

[BrilloPad]

Q What's the difference between a man and a bird?
A A bird can whistle through his pecker


Q If Mr and Mrs Bigger had a baby, who'd be the biggest?
A The baby, because it would be a little Bigger.

Staggering home drunk from a bar, a man notices a car parked outside his house. Peering through the window, he sees his girlfriend and his best friend Mick going at it hammer and tongs on the back seat.

'That Mick,' he chuckles. 'He's so drunk, he thinks he's me.'

[Diver]

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
Given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Welsh girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and
call a handyman.
God Bless Welsh Women

[BrilloPad]

Dilemma...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.





You are driving down the road in your BMW two-seater on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your BMW ?

Think before you continue reading.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The only FEMALE applicant gave the following answer:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let her take the lady to the hospital.
I would then wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."


All 58 MALE applicants gave the following answer:

"Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery.
Have sex with your perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with your old friend for a load of celebration beers."





For some strange reason, the woman got the job!

[BrilloPad]

Airline Announcements?

United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "

*************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunder-storms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."

*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

***********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

** *********************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentle-man over there."

******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt"

****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"

****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

[williamdavis]

What's got six legs, is green and fuzzy and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

[williamdavis]

......A snooker table!

Come on you know it's a winner!!!