Please put more jokes here

[techno]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts: 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

[TheBigYinJames]

Originally Posted by techno

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

Deja-vu is when they change something in the Matrix.

[voodooflux]

Two young British men go to Amsterdam. Unsurprisingly, they go to the red light district. Big windows, prostitutes waiting for custom behind them, the famous red light district.

One of the men taps on a window and asks "How much?"

The prostitute working there recognises his accent and says "In your money...a thousand pounds."

The man is so surprised at the price that he just stands there, saying nothing. The prostitute turns away to smile at another potential customer.

The British man taps on the window again and says "Did you say a thousand pounds?"

The prostitute turns back to him and says "Yes. A thousand pounds".

"That's very expensive!"

"Well, it is double-glazed."

[voodooflux]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[BrilloPad]

Kevin the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets’ eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?.............

[Diver]

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE
TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-


1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag
down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your
wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary
paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the
last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them
about their methods of discipline, lack of patience,
appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have
allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping
habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your
life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm
carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg,
with a radio turned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for
midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living
room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and
make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so
that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the
glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into
the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions
about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue
and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand
until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small
child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the
nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a
fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have
more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the
goat(s) out of your
sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even
contemplate having
children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it
side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to
spoon them into
the swaying melon while pretending to be an
aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot
of it falls on
the floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the
Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5
years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the
curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there
all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub
them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon.
How does
> that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in
> your house onto the
floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy'
repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each
Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a
supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for
the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your
shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy
tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an
adult while there is
a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in
it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated
towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

[BrilloPad]

Three women are talking about their ideal man.

'Mine's 6ft tall with a dragon on his arm,' the first explains.

'Mine's 6ft, with two dragons on his arm, the second adds.

'I don't care how tall mine is,' the third says, 'as long as his drags on the ground.'



A man goes to the police station to report a thief.

'She stole £20 I had inside my pants,' he complains.

'Didn't you put up a struggle?' the policeman asks.

'No,' he replies, 'I didn't know she was after my money.'

[BrilloPad]

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. "Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."

[BrilloPad]

Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men right on his penis!

The man collapsed to the ground, whilst his friend whipped out his cell phone and called the doctor. "Help, help" He said "my friend was just bitten on his penis by a snake. The doctor tells him that he can't possibly get to the woods in time to save the friend. He tells the guy if his friend is to live, he's going suck the venom out. The man hangs up and hurries back to his friend.

The poor guy looks up at his friend "Well what did the doctor say?" he asked. "Sorry bro" says the man, "looks like you're going to die."

[BrilloPad]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party
atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the
tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women
so hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right and a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Sincerely,

Bill Clinton