Please put more jokes here

[adamv6]

Little Johnny is sitting on a park bench gobbling one chocolate bar after another. An old man sitting on the bench across from him watches in growing disbelief as little Johnny finishes his sixth bar and hauls out another. Unable to remain silent any longer, the old man says,
"Son, don't you know that eating all those sweets isn't good for you? It'll make you sick, give you pimples, rot your teeth and you'll get fat."
His face covered in chocolate, little Johnny replies,
"Humph! My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
So the man asks,
"Did your grandfather eat loads and loads of sweets at a time?" Little Johnny answers,
"No, he minded his own f~@king business!"

[adamv6]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[adamv6]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,

"Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!

"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[adamv6]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Derby Football Team this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

[BrilloPad]

Q What happened to the short-sighted nudist who mixed up his run cream with his Deep Heat Rub?

A He got great balls of fire.



A woman rings her boss one morning and tells him:

'I'm sorry but I won't be at work today. I've got anal blindness.'

'What's that?' her boss asks.

She replies: 'It's when I can't see me getting my arse out of bed today.'

[BrilloPad]

Man and girlfriend go to park after dark for some heavy petting. Sudddenly she says "I need to pee - I am going behind that bush". When she gets there the man feels very amourous - runs round the bush and grabs betwen her legs. He feels something long and hard. He says "Have you changed you sex" to which she replies "No I have changed my mind - I am having a dump".

[adamv6]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couples house, and after eating the wives went to the kitchen. The two gentleman were left talking and one said;
"We went to a great restaurant the other night, I would recommend it very highly." The other man said "What was it's name?"

The first man thought and thought and then said;
"What is the name of the flower you give to someone who you love?".
"You mean a rose ?" said the other gent.
"Yes thats the one" replied the man.
He looked towards the kitchen and yelled
"Rose, What was the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?".

[adamv6]

A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things. During a check up the doctor says that physically they are OK, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night , The old man gets up from his chai and says
"Do you want anything from the kitchen?"
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure" says the man
"Don't you think you should write it down" she asks
"No, I can remember that"
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, do you think you should write it down now, so you don't forget?"
"No, You want ice cream with strawberries on top, I can remember that"
"I'd also like some whipped cream, I'm certain you will need to write that down"
Irritated the man says;
"You want ice cream, with strawberries on top and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down, I can remember it, Okay?"
Then he goes into the kitchen, after about 10 minutes he returns, and puts down a plate of bacon and eggs in front of the woman.
She stares at the plate for a moment and then says
"Where's my toast d!ckhead?".

[BrilloPad]

The Maid asked for a raise.

The lady of the house was very upset about this and asked: 'Now, Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Lady of the house: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'The Master said so.'

Lady of the house: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Lady of the house: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I am?'

Maria: 'The Master did.'

Lady of the house: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am better at sex than you.'

Lady of the house (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

Maria: 'No, Madam, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RISE!!

[oracleslave]

A distinguished young woman on a flight home asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?'
The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must
warn you:
I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' Next!