Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

So after 1700 posts :-

BrilloPad 1,194
darmstadt 49
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 22
Swiss Tony 22
TheFaQQer 21
daviejones 21
EternalOptimist 20
richard-af 18
TazMaN 18
Chantho 15
FiveTimes 15
wobbegong 14
Denny 13
zeitghost 13
Pondlife 10

So I have posted 70% of the jokes here!

[EternalOptimist]

cut n paste amateur

[BrilloPad]

Originally Posted by EternalOptimist

cut n paste amateur

I doubt there is a single original joke on here. They have all been emailed, posted on internet or been told to the poster (maybe while listening to a comedian on the TV or in a theatre).

Is there any true comedian on here? (Insert Wilmslow/Denny/Chico or any other poster as you see fit).

[EternalOptimist]

Originally Posted by BrilloPad

I doubt there is a single original joke on here. They have all been emailed, posted on internet or been told to the poster (maybe while listening to a comedian on the TV or in a theatre).

Is there any true comedian on here? (Insert Wilmslow/Denny/Chico or any other poster as you see fit).

er. ok its a fair cop.
but my john prescott poem was all my own work

[BrilloPad]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...



Q: 'Officer -- Did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- Who provided this description?'
A:'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A:'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where
you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it
necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'




...The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called The officer on the stand has been nominated for 2007's 'Best Comeback' line - and

we think he'll win.

[BrilloPad]

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached d it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front f o ot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant

[BrilloPad]

'Doctor, I am very embarrassed about exposing my bodyto you. I am worried that you might laugh at me.'In order to calm the patient the doctor replied, 'Ofcourse I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20years I have never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop histrousers, revealing the tiniest 'Willy' the doctor hadever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the sizeof a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor startedgiggling, then fell to the floor, laughinguncontrollably. Some minutes later he was able to struggle to his feetand regain his composure..'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. Idon't know what came over me. On my honor, as adoctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happenagain. Now, what seems to be the problem ?' 'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

[BrilloPad]

Before computers.....

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!

[EternalOptimist]

Originally Posted by BrilloPad

Before computers.....

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!

Ram was a guy who could really pull the birds
A monitor was someone who collected the pencils
A server was the dinner lady
and the labour party still managed to mispend all our money, except in those days it was peanuts, nowadays its not

[BrilloPad]

Two men are in a pub arguing about who has the biggest penis. The landlord interrupts and says: 'Look, just lay your peckers on the bar and I'll tell you which is the biggest.'

The two men agree, but as the landlord is about to give his verdict, a woman comes in . 'What can I get you?' he asks.

'Well,' she says, 'I was just going to have a glass of wine , but now I think I'll try the buffet.'


A man sees his GP, anxious about his diet. He says: 'I have three red snooker balls for breakfast, a black, pink and yellow for lunch , and a blue and brown for tea.'

'You know what the problem is?' says the doc. 'No greens.'