Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

You Might Be A Taliban Member If... 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can'tafford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon"unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives inyour clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other thansetting off roadside bombs. 9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with yourcave." 10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at leastone. 11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. 12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

[BrilloPad]

At the
> > end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of
> > a
> > Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
> > said:
> >
> >
> > 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
> > drippings?'
> >
> > 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send
> > them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
> > box
> > of candles.'
> >
> > 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
> > unusual question had a practical answer but on he went, in his obnoxious
> > way:
> >
> > 'What about all these bread wafer purchases?' 'What do you do with
> > the crumbs?'
> >
> > 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector
> > was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and
> > send
> > them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a
> > free box of
> > bread wafers.'
> >
> > 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
> > could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
> >
> > 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do
> > you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you
> > perform?'
> >
> > 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do
> > is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a
> > year
> > they send us a complete *****.'

[EternalOptimist]

The village idiot is sitting on the village green, messing around with a steaming pile of horse manure.

The busy body postman was walking past and shouted over, 'Hey dim wit, what do you think you are doing ?'

'Ooh Ah, I be stacking it up and making a postman'
So the postman gets in a huff and storms off, then reports the village idiot to the local plod.

Then the baker, a well known gossip walks past the village green, 'What you doing with that horse poo ?'
'Ooh Ah, I be stacking it up and making me a baker'
So the baker gets in a huff and storms off, then reports the village idiot to the local plod.

The local constable now decides he must do something, so he gets to the green and says 'What the heck are you playing at ? and dont tell me you are stacking it up and making a policeman'

'Ooh Ah, there b'aint enough sh i te here for that'

[Chantho]

Originally Posted by EternalOptimist

The village idiot is sitting on the village green, messing around with a steaming pile of horse manure.

The busy body postman was walking past and shouted over, 'Hey dim wit, what do you think you are doing ?'

'Ooh Ah, I be stacking it up and making a postman'
So the postman gets in a huff and storms off, then reports the village idiot to the local plod.

Then the baker, a well known gossip walks past the village green, 'What you doing with that horse poo ?'
'Ooh Ah, I be stacking it up and making me a baker'
So the baker gets in a huff and storms off, then reports the village idiot to the local plod.

The local constable now decides he must do something, so he gets to the green and says 'What the heck are you playing at ? and dont tell me you are stacking it up and making a policeman'

'Ooh Ah, there's not enough sh i te here for that'

there b'aint

[BrilloPad]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of thenight celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.' Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite,Shoite!' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to thedoor and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks hishead outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better andtakes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus...I'm fockin' focked,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, haulshimself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to thebed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup ofcoffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'. Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[BrilloPad]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.


When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[Moscow Mule]

Apparently Brian Blessed's wife has been found in a sound proof dungeon under their house - she built it herself.

[BrilloPad]

A couple have been dating for six months, but is afraid to attempt lovemaking becuase of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he plucks up the courage to make his move. First they kiss, then nervously he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. 'No thanks,' the girl says politely, 'I don't smoke.'


After a date, a man drives a girl to a country lane. There, he tries sliding his hand into her blouse, but the girl suddenly gets out of the car and stomps home. That night she writes in her diary: A girl's best friends are her own two legs. After their next date, the couple go back to the country road. As they're kissing the man slides his hand up the girl's skirt. Again, she gets out of the car and stomps home.

That night she writes in her diary: I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs.

On the third date, the couple return to the country road once again. This time she doesn't get home to her diary until very late.

Dear Diary, she writes. There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.


An american politician shaves her privates before speaking to an election debate. Lifting her skirt, she declares:
'Read my lips. No more Bush!'

[BrilloPad]

A man arrives home to find his daughter, a young single woman, with a vibrator.

'What on earth are you doing with one of those?' he shouts.

'Well,' she retorts, 'you won't let me have a boyfriend, so this is my substitute.'

The next night the daughter arrives home to find her dad with the vibrator in one hand and a can of lager in the other.

'So what on earth are you doing?' she splutters.

Her dad replies: 'Just having a beer with your boyfriend.'

[BrilloPad]

A male contestant goes on TV's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? and is asked the question: 'What colour is your wife's pubic hair - grey, brown, black or blonde?

The man thinks for a minute or so, then replies: 'Can I phone a friend?'